Hey all. Now’s it’s Saturday afternoon and I have only been up for about an hour. I also went to bed early. When my daughter goes out I often spend most of my time in my room, watching films or reading books to take my mind off the overwhelming feelings that intrude on my brain. Sleep is difficult for me so obviously alone at night when sleep is a million miles away I start to feel distressed. I think way to much and get myself into a right state. I’ve often been told I think to much. Whether that is true or not I don’t know. How can a person think to much? Don’t we all think a lot while alone? Being told that hits me with the “what’s wrong with me thought” again. Am I totally losing it at times or am I just like anyone else?
Last night I slept for hours thanks to the cocktail of sleeping aids I took. It’s difficult to admit this and talk about it but when I started this blog I was determined to talk about everything my illness makes me think, feel and do. Sleep for me is an escape. But because sleep has always beendifficult for me I often try to get things to help me sleep. When I go on holiday I always take a bit of extra money because I know how easy it is to buy sleepers while I’m abroad. I have become somewhat of a pro at getting sleepers abroad. I can’t get them in the UK now. It’s not just sleepers I take to help sleep. There are other meds I also take to take me away from cruel reality and into the lands of dreams and the relief of painful thoughts. I don’t want to say what else I take because I don’t want to encourage others in any other way to take unnecessary meds because it’s way to easy to become reliant on them. This is my coping strategy and right or wrong it works for me. There’s have been times when I have self medicated and slept a whole weekend away just by popping more pills to keep me asleep. Ofcourse this makes me sleep to much and can be dangerous but I honestly think I would crack up if I didn’t have these maratho sessions. At least while I’m sleeping the intrusive thoughts leave me alone and the depression monster can’t bite me. As this blog goes on I hope to encourage people to be honest about their illness. I’m certainly not the only ones who has this coping strategy it’s just taken a long time toadmit to it. Don’t be ashamed of how you feel or cope. Be proud of your honesty and encourage others to do the same without prejudice. Maybe then we can start to heal and look at ourselves not as awful people but, as people that have been poorly and not taken seriously. This has to stop once and for all.