alone again

So. It’s Saturday night and once again I’m alone. I shouldn’t be surprised really. In the past few years Iv cut myself off from a lot of people. About 6/7 yrs ago I lost a hell of a lot of weight. I barely at and trained for hours a day. Thing is I lost so much weight due to slimming tablets. They completely cut my appetite dead. At the time I thought it was great. Of course my family and friends were worried sick about my weight loss. I didn’t tell anyone about the appetite suppressant I was taking. If anyone asked I would lie and tell them I was just cutting down. When the tabs stopped working I started piling on the weight. Since my weight gain Iv barely been out. I haven’t been touched by a man for years. It was also around this time my mental health issues got worse. When I was really distressed I started hearing voices. Not the ” go and kill someone kind” or anything like that, I was fully aware of the voices and knew they were not real but they were still terrifying. I couldn’t tell anyone because I was afraid of what people would think. Eventually though they became so bad I knew I had to get help. I’m so glad I did. I was told I wasn’t going nuts and its common for people who suffer with depression, GAD and PTSD. I believe the slimming pills played some part in my worsening mental health issues.

I started gaining a lot of weight when my daughter became seriously ill will an infection on her brain when she was 11. She had brain surgery twice and spent weeks in hospital. It was like groundhog day. My way of coping was to eat. A lot! And all the wrong things. When she was better in my mind I was fat so I started dieting. It was a huge mistake but in some ways I’m glad because I started finally getting the help I needed. Iv let my friends and family down so many times because I hate how I look. All those outings and holidays with mydaughter I barely have and photos of me to remember those times. Recently though I’ve decided enough is enough. I’m lucky to have the friends I’ve got. They have never given up on me and never leave me out. I’ll always be grateful for that, they are very special. It’s time I started seeing more of these wonderful girls. It’s time to get better and live my life. Only I can change my situation. It’s time to focus on being happy and finding the silver bullet to kill my depression. That’s why Iv started this blog, to help others as well as myself because no one should suffer alone or feel ashamed. Since Iv starting being honest about my condition Iv had support from even the most unexpected of people. Thank u. As this blog goes on il tell more about myself that I’m comfortable sharing. I’m always here for anyone else.

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One thought on “alone again

  1. Brilliant start chick. I had the same sort of experience but for different reasons. Done the slimming pills like whiz and they sent me crazy ! OCD big time. All because I thought thinner me would be a happy me! But it’s not the answer and I know that now. A happy me is one that does the best for my family. Just like you do with Britt. She’s a bloody credit to you I have said it before and will keep saying it ” you have done good woman !!!”

    Liked by 1 person

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