I have just finished watching the Docu-Movie Cobain. All Icould think while I watched it was “wow”! His pain was apparent from such a young age. The boy with the talent and gift of music cursed with the anger of the depression monster became a man haunted with both talent and pain. can you have one without the other? If this brilliant man hadn’t suffered with such an angry filled depression, would he still have been such a musical genius ? Did his pain, anger and depression give him the ability to write his feelings into music ? Without his despair would he have had nirvana?
As I watched his fascinating life on screen I related to much of his writings. His journal showed his talent and the amazing ability to get on paper exactly how it was for him. It showed how extremely talented and intelligent he was . I felt in awe and extremely sad throughout his amazing story. It was an amazing and extremely well put together movie. At the end I wanted to cry because I felt so bad for him. Could this brilliant man have been saved? If his depression had been treated from a young age would he still bealive? Or was he meant to be a legend from the day he was born? Was he already doomed from the day he wasborn ?
As I watched his life unfold it made me think of my own anger and pain. I to would write angry words on paper. I would write the word hate so hard the paper would rip. I would write the words ” I want to die” so hard the paper would rip. I would draw boxes with crosses in the middle so hard the paper would rip. Was I weird to be so angry? Was I bad to feel so angry? Was Kurt? Are we weak or showing strength in a different kind of coping mechanism? Am I so different from everyone else or do we all have our secret coping strategies that would seem odd or aggressive to others ?
When rebelling against your parents or the system or your peers your giving them a big fuck you! Your trying to fit in by acting like you don’t give a shit but, really you care very much. I wanted and still do very much to be liked. The feeling of not being good enough or feel ing like your a bad person become very real. So real that you believe without a doubt that u are horrible, undesirable and worthless. Finding other people u feel are just like you makes you feel as though maybe you can fit in somewhere even with people you hate. But isn’t everyone just trying to be liked somehow?
As I carried on watching I wondered if everyone with such great talent is cursed? But then I wondered what is my hidden talent ? Do I have one? Or am I cursed and talentles? If I had an amazing musical ablility or acting ability or any kind of ability would I still be alive? If Kurt had not ended his life with a shotgun would his life have ended in any other way? Was he always doomed ? Am I doomed ? Will I ever lose my battle with this tiresome fight? I really don’t want to. Because I want to live. I want to live for my daughter. I want to live for my family. I want to live for me! I am starting to believe little by little that I can laugh more. I can smile more. I can live more. I’m starting to believe in myself. Maybe this is my hidden talent. Maybe I’m not a bad or worthless after all.
I wish it could have been different for Kurt cobain. I wish he could have lived and given himself the chance to feel real happiness. I wish all that have committed suicide had been given the help and support they needed with prejudice. I wish people could see that anyone could be taken in this cruel manner and there should never be any shame in it.
I thank cobain for his brutel honesty and the music he blessed us with. I thank him for allowing me to relate to him in so many ways. I hope oneday suicide will be a thing of the past.