Each time I check on and update my blog I’m encouraged to see how many people have viewed.Whether it’s one person or a hundred people it goes to show some one out there cares. It shows that someone is interested in what you have to say but more importantly it shows that I am getting my message across and hopefully well on the way to helping others.
Depression and anxiety can start for all sorts of reasons. And it can start at any time. I still get annoyed when people roll their eyes when the subject of mental health issues comes up. If I told someone I had cancer I’m pretty sure I would get lots of hugs and support from well wishers but if I told them I had depression I’m willing to bet a lot of people wouldn’t be so sympathetic. cancer is an awful illness and it can kill. But depression is also an awful illness that can kill. I would never dream of trying to compare my level of pain to anyone else so why is it ok to do it to people with depression?
I long for the day that I no longer feel this way. I used to think that if I moved away or won the lotto maybe I wouldn’t be as depressed. But it’s important to recognize that depression doesn’t care where you are or how big your bank balance is, to the depression monster wealth or the sun means nothing. I have found myself starting to feel hopeful as I write this blog. Instead of wanting to hit my head aagainst the wall or scratching my face till it bleeds I write. Instead of wondering what it would be like to feel a rope round my neck I write. And when I get messages of support or people asking for advice I write. And it feels great. All those who have supported me have made these good feelings possible and it can happen for anyone. Writing has been great therapy for me and I encourage anyone to do the same.
I do know that my anxiety and depression aren’t going to magically go away just like that. Like a cancer it can come back. I still have lots of times when I want to cry but don’t always know why. There are still moments from my past that invade my head with the most awful feelings of regret and guilt, those are the thoughts that make me wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. Palpitations are a nightmare also, I can be Sat watching tv or reading a book then all of a sudden the anxiety and eptopics start, it can last for days. But another huge emotion I am feeling now is hope. Hope that I can beat this monster once and for all and hope that we can all ask for help without the fear of scorn, prejudice or shame. Never give up.