another gloomy sunday.

The day I hate the most is once again here. It’s the day I dreaded as a teen because I knew I had a new full week at school. That feeling of utter despair I always  had on a Sunday will probably never leave me even though I no longer have school on a Monday.

It wasn’t just one person who made my life hell but there was one main person who was the ringleader. I hated her. Still do. It’s amazing how much “cruel” there can be in one person. I haven’t seen her since I was 18 when I was in a pub with a friend. She was still the same bully and still wanted to hurt me. I remember the time when she pushed me badly  injuring my knee. I remember the time in the PE changing rooms when she kept shouting my name and then punching me really hard in the back. I wish I had had the courage to hurt her back. I also remember an  incident in maths when her and her little nasty friends were bullying me so badly I got up and walked out of maths. On the way home I was looking at the trees to see which one I could hang myself from but I didn’t have the guts to do it.  There was also a time when I was sat on my bed one Sunday evening before school and I was crying because I didn’t want to go. So I got one of my scarves and tied it tightly round my neck until my face started burning and I could feel my life slipping away. But It scared me so much I took the scarf off. My misery was do deep and raw but there was nothing I could do about it. There are lots of things in my past that contributed to my utter despair but for me it’s one step at a time. I don’t want to reveal to much about myself to soon in this blog. I have to say though I’ve felt great writing down my thoughts and feelings even though some may think I’m being to open. I just want the depression to stop. I want everyone who suffers with mental health issues to be unafraid to talk about how they feel. Most of all I want suicide to stop. I know you can’t save everyone but I firmly believe that with the right help and support a lot of suicides can be prevented.

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