love for my daughter

For me my daughter is my saviour. The one person who keeps me as sane as I can be. She keeps me smiling and keeps me going . Her laugh makes me laugh. Her happiness make me happy. Her sadness makes me unhappy. The love for our children is the most intense, wonderful feeling in the world. They are precious and should be cherished. The need to protect them can be fierce. I thank God every day that she is in my life.

When my daughter was eleven she became very ill. One Wednesday afternoon she came home from school and I noticed  Her right eye was watering. She also told me she had a bad headache. We went to my parents for tea as normal and she seemed to perk up. The next day when she came home from school her eye was watering even more and she looked terrible. I immediately called the doc for an appointment for the next morning. As that Thursday evening went on she became worse and started vomiting. The vomiting continued all night so I came dawn stairs, put my daughter on the sofa so I could keep a close eye on her, I knew I was in for a  sleepless night . During the visit to the doc my daughter was still vomiting and seemed quite lethargic. I was told she had a virus. I took her home but her condition worsened. By this point I had an awful sick feeling deep in my gut. What was wrong with my beautiful daughter?

We took her to hospital where various tests were taken. To cut it all short it took until Sunday with much persuasion to finally get a brain scan. For the first couple of days I wasn’t taken seriously at all and was told I could probably take her home. Thank God me and my mum are  stubborn. Thank God we insisted on a brain scan.

When I got the results of the scan I nearly passed out. I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn’t believe it. The doc explained to us there was a large mass on my daughter’s brain, the size of a small orange. I’ll never forget being taken into that room to be given the bad news. I’ll never forget falling to my knees and crying constantly. I just wish I’d had a bit more strength. My daughter’s strength and courage was amazing.

At first docs were not sure what the mass was so she needed life saving brain surgery the next day. Of course I thought it was cancer but wouldn’t know for sure until after her op. Those four and a half hours were the longest of my life. I sat and prayed and I sat and cried. I had awful visions of planning her funeral and it nearly killed me.

After her op the surgeon came to see me. I held my breathe as I waited for him to speak. He told me the op had gone well and it wasn’t cancer. It was an infection and abscess. He also told me she wasn’t out of the woods yet which immediately felt like a kick in the gut because I really didn’t want to hear anything else negative. When I went to sit with her in icu she asked me if she was going to live. Of course I reassured her she was and tried my best not to cry.

A few days after the op I asked my daughter if she remembered asking me if she was going to live. I asked her if she was afraid. She told me she was only scared because she didn’t want me to be sad if she did die. I had to go to the bathroom to compose myself. Her strength was amazing. Two weeks after her first op she once again needed life saving surgery. The abscess had grown back. I was in utter despair again. Once again the op was successful and she slowly started to recover properly. Of course when your child are seriously ill you never really sleep properly. Each day in hospital was like ground hog day so then started the comfort eating.

As a result of my daughter’s illness I  developed PTSD and my GAD intensified. And because of the comfort eating my weight ballooned. This led to slimming pills and worsening mental health. Now I’mprotect my daughter something fierce, I can’t help it. But one good thing that came of the was my daughter’s amazing strength and courage. Without her I wouldn’t have carried on. So that’s why I’m determined to beat my own illness because, nothing and no one should spoil the precious time you have with your children. You never know when they could be taken away.

This post is dedicated to my beautiful daughter Brittany bird and to all the other brave children who have suffered, still suffering and those who have lost their lives.

I love you Brittany. X

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