Yep once again I can’t sleep. It’s enough to drive me nuts! Oh hang on I already am nuts! During these endless nights I try to keep my mind occupied. I read. I write. I watch films. I create my flower designs. It’s important to stay as occupied as possible. What ever you need to do to keep yourself busy. I also make good use of my exercise bike. I wish I could sleep without a problem. I wish I could sleep without the nightmares. I have so many nightmares that sometimes I’m afraid to sleep. During the day my haunted day dreams intrude my brain. Day dreams of guilt. Day dreams of regret. Day dreams of bitter memories. Day dreams of anger. And then at night mydreams are of fear. When I’m extremely distressed in the evening I tend to dwell on certain events that happened years ago.
A few years ago I was at the grand canyon. It was extremely early in the morning so we could watch the sunrise over the canyon. I stood on a cliff and inched closer to the edge. Closer, closer. I was so close my toes were over the edge. I was so high I couldn’t see the bottom. All it would have taken was a tiny push and I would have been over. I would have fallen to my death. The thing is I didn’t do it to scare myself or anyone else. I didn’t do it for attention either.And I had no thoughts of suicide what so ever. Why did I do something so reckles? Simple, I just didn’t think.
So why all these years later do I dwell on it? Thoughts of what ifs? What if I’d fallen? What if I’d died? What if someone had accidently pushed me?
Of course non of those things happened so why do I torture myself with what ifs? Why do any of us?