I am alone once more and feeling like like shit so I thought I would put into words what I’m thinking right now.
As usual I have the aching tight feeling in my brain. I wish I could take out my brain, give it a good clean and then put it back in spotless from all of the crap . To me depression is like a massive thick black soaking wet blanket. It smothers me and tries to make me feel like I’m going to to drown or suffocate by it. It’s a thick black blanket that is dragging me down under its weight blocking any light that could help me recover. When I do manage to start lifting it suddenly another shitty day happens and the blanket falls and smothers me again. The palpitations start threaten to overwhelm me.
At the moment the blanket is saturating my moods , anxiety and frazzled brain. I am being tormented by my God awful daydreams. As I sit here I’m dwelling on the past as usual. I have an awful sense of impending doom and my stomach feels tight and sickly. My anxiety is sky high making me jittery and on edge. I want to claw at my face or bang my head against the wall but I won’t. I’m hearing all sorts of noises and imagining ghosts everywhere. These kinds of thoughts make me wonder how I carry on. These thoughts make me wonder if the battle in my brain will defeat me. How can I promise it won’t? I have all sorts of guilty regrets that won’t go away. I worry about what kind of a mother I am and have been in the past. I worry about my daughter’s future. I wonder where I will be5 yrs from now because surly I can’t live like this forever. Ithink the most common thought in head is I wish I had never been born rather than wanting to kill myself. I feel as though I’m sick of living but terrified of dying. The world moves on but for me I remain stuck with depression and anxiety. I feel like a pan constantly bubbling just waiting to boil over. Tonight I feel in despair and continue to torment myself with more and more what ifs. I wish I had a time machine so I could Bob back into the past and do things differently. I wish I could save the people that should still be with us. Maybe though I can try and save the future suicide victims. We can’t change the past but we can certainly help those in the future. Suicide is devastating and affects everyone who is around and involved in the tragedy. Lives have been lost to depression ,an illness still not taken seriously enough. I can understand to some extent just how tormented a person is to take their own life because my depression has been so servere that I wonder if il cope much longer. I wish I could get rid of the feelings of regret and guilt and put them behind me. I think once I do I’ll be depression free! I hope!