I’m writing another post about nightmares and day dreams because last night I had yet another mad dream! I dreamed I had a long rusty nail in my head that went through my skull into my brain. I was waiting for the hospital to call so I could have brain surgery. In the meantime I was walking round the streets showing everyone the nail that was stuck in my head. This is one of the many many weird dreams I’ve had. In fact most nights my dreams are strange or bad and extremely vivid. If I ever manage to beat my illness completely will the nightmares, strange dreams and haunted daydreams go with it? Do dreams and nightmares always have meaning or am I just weird?
When my daughter was 7 we went to Tenerife with my parents. It was terribly hot and humid and sleep was extremely hard to achieve. The rooms were sauna hot so one evening I decided to keep the balcony door open. I thought as I was in the room it would be safe. My daughter and I eventually went to sleep. The next morning when I woke the first thing I did was go to that bathroom……and found my handbag opened and on the floor. The contents had been emptied out all over the bathroom floor. I stood there a few seconds wondering why my bag was on the floor. I went back to the room and noticed other belongings had beendisturbed and my phone was gone. Only then did I realize we had been robbed. I looked at my beautiful daughter who was still sleeping in just her underwear then it hit me! All I could think was, what if she had been taken!!! What if my beautiful girl had been taken and I didn’t hear a thing? Of course I stewed and dwelled over this the rest of the hol. It’s something that still haunts me. What if she had been taken? What if someone had hurt her? What if what if what if? Why do I dwell on something that didn’t happen. Why now when I’m alone do I go back there and cry and dwell on something that didn’t happen. Why do I start to imagine her being taken and myselfgrieving ? Why do I punish myself with thoughts that haven’t even happened ?
When little Madeleine McCann vanished it made me dwell even more. The day she went missing was the day my daughter became seriously ill with the infection on her brain. My daughter was so Ill she needed life saving brain surgery twice. I remember a couple of people saying to me ” at least you know where your daughter is just think about poor Madeleine McCann ” Well I’m sorry but the only little girl I was thinking of was my daughter. Since then when I’m really distressed the incident in Tenerife plays on my mind so much I cry and cry.
I have a lot of awful nightmares. I dream about demons. I dream about losing the ones I love. I dream about losing my home and security. I wish they would stop. When these nightmares and daydreams stop then I know I’ll be fine.