I always find it difficult to know where to start on a new post but once I do the words flow. So I’m going to start with my daughter. The most amazing person I’m lucky to love and know.

I was in Labour for hours and hours with my girl. It was hard work but I was lucky enough to have my mum with me through most of it. Many hours into my Labour my mum went home for a couple of hours rest as I still had a good few hours to go. In the mean time a friend of mine went off on his motorcycle to get me some burgers. Well I was bloody starving! Of course I got told off for it but the burgers were bloodydelicious ! It’s a memory I still laugh about. As the time grew closer so did the pain. It was also one of the hottest summer’s on record so it was unbearable. Off came the nighty and I was lying there buck naked in uncomfortable hot agony. The England football team could have walked in for all I care cos when your in that much discomfort you don’t care who sees your foo foo or boobs ! I remember as I was pushing her out I kept farting which I remember feeling embarrassed about believe it or not. It’s another memory I laugh about still. The most precious memories though are seeing her for the first time and then holding her. When I went back to my room her tiny little cot was placed along side my bed. It was close to midnight and I had been in Labour over 24 hours. Suddenly though I was wide awake. I stayed awake the whole night just looking at my beautiful baby . My exhaustion was forgotten. I just sat looking at her and stroking her little cheeks promising to love her forever. I couldn’t believe this tiny little human had come from my body. It’s one of the most precious memories I have.

And now……

Now that beautiful baby is a 19yr old woman waiting to start uni in September. She hhas been a pleasure to be around ever since. I vowed to take her to see as many places as possible. I taught her the importance of manners. She is ambitious and kind. She is my saviour. Every night we have the sameroutine :

Brittany ” good night mum ”

Me ” good night Angel ”

Brittany ” love you ”

Me ” not as much as I love you ”

Brittany ” sleep well ”

Me ” you to ” .

I love these simple pleasures. I thank God I have my beautiful daughter with me every day. I tell her I love her every day. I have been lucky enough to have witnessed some amazing sights with her like the northern lights, and eagle in flight over a mountain, amazing sunsets, snow on Christmas day, reindeer Sat in the middle of a snowy road refusing to move for and vehicle. Hot guys on surfers paradise beach! I remember when we went to Switzerland we were both dying to try fondue but ended up hating it!

I don’t want to feel the way I do but I don’t choose to be this way. But I’ve got some amazing memories to keep me strong. I know we still have many more amazing adventures to come. I’m starting to learn that each time I start to feel so bad and start feeling overwhelmed with thoughts of regret, guilt and sadness I remind myself of the wonderful things I’ve done with my girl. I think of the amazing memories I still have.

I have thought of suicide in the past untill quite recently to be honest. But each time that thought passes I’m so grateful I’m still here enjoy ing the time with my daughter. I’m so glad I haven’t taken my life, I want to live so much and I’m determined not to lose the battle. That’s why it’s so important to reach people with suicidal thoughts before it happens. These people don’t really want to die, they just want help. They want to be listened to without judgement. It’s so sad because so many suicides could have been prevented. They could have had the chance to be happy. We can still prevent a lot of suicides from happening in the future. They will never get the chance to look back and thank God they didn’t go through with it.

Mental health issues are everywhere. All over the world people suffer in silence. All over the world people have revealed that they have been  descriminated against as a result of their illness. All over the world people have been to ashamed to talk about it untill the only answer is suicide. All over the world people suffer alone. We can stop this. People can remember and laugh about old memories and look forward to creating more. It’s not impossible to achieve so we need to raise awareness to show people life can be damn good.

I urge people who suffer to talk. Write it all down if you want. Get yourself an exercise machine or go for a walk. Be will the people you love. Don’t stay silent because you deserve to be heard. Mostly never give up.


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