Well it’s been one of those days where for some reason I’ve taken everything to heart. One small negative can put me on a downer even when it’s not intentional or about me. This is something I’ve done a lot in the past and still every now and then tend to do now. That’s when you tend to take your mood out on the wrong people.
Last night once again I barely slept. No matter how much I try, no matter how tidy, clean and cosy I keep my bedroom nothing seems to work. I wish I could go to bed, go right to sleep and wake the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed but nope! In fact it seems impossible to me that anyone can sleep as well as that. Of course depression causes insomnia and insomnia can cause depression so the vicious swirling circle keeps you trapped right inside it. My mind travels to all sorts of places and non of them very good. I always wonder how everyone else seems to cope so much better with depression than I do. How do others manage to stay likeable and decent when I feel like the most awful and unpleasant person to be around. How have I managed to isolate myself so much from others and push friends away. I’m so afraid of being alone but yet I find it so hard to hold on to my relationships.
I want to be left alone
I’m so lonely
I’m afraid to be alone
I really do care about my family and friends more than people know. I care about how people feel even if I don’t always know how to show it. I’m unloveable but want to be loved. mostly I want the depression monster to leave me alone. Let me sleep in peace and enjoy living my life. It’s times like this when I doubt my chances of winning my battle. I’ve spent so long trying my damn best not to give up but sometimes my best feels as though it’s not enough. I don’t want to lose but I’m tired of fighting.
I’ve had antidepressants for a while but for some reason I get my prescription for the month , take it and then instead of getting the next prescription right away I leave it and leave it. Then I feel myself getting worse but then I still leave it. Until I feel so shit I have to go andget it. Sometimes it’s like I’m deliberately making things harder on myself and I don’t know why. I think that’s why at the mo I’m feeling so down. Tomorrow is another day so let’s hope it’s better.