as you may have guessed I don’t sleep. once again ive been up all night. I thought in this post I would talk about the worry cycle. my GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) is also a huge problem for me. as ive said before I worry about the craziest things and I have more chance being run over by a heard of elephants than some of my worries and fears actually happening. here are some of the daft worries ive had lately.
the other week I got a pineapple from Tesco, I love a bit of pineapple. so anyway, one evening after peeling and slicing the fruit I went into the sitting room to eat it. all of a sudden out of no where I suddenly thought ” oh my god, whats if theres a sack full of tiny spider eggs in the leafy part of the pineapple”????? what if ive missed a tiny sack in the leafy part and I get terrorised by loads of huge spiders???? ive read stories of big spiders transported to England in tropical fruit especially in bananas. I went and examined the peelings and didn’t come across anything dodgy but all I could think was spiders!!! ridiculous I know but I was convinced of it and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t stop worrying about it and thinking about it. I stewed and worried about it for ages and ages. luckily that worry has passed but now im thinking beause the weather has been warm out come the house spiders. I can scream blue murder when I see a spider, since my condition has worsened so has my intense phobia of spiders. I cant help it. its an irrational fear that can sometimes control my life. theres been times when I have gone to bed early to try and avoid any sightings of them. ive spent a lot of time in my room in the evenings to scared to go down stairs. its a fear I hope to conquer soon.
ive always been a terrible worrier. I take a tiny little worry and manage to turn it into some huge ridiculous drama. for example
when my daughter went on a school trip to the zoo I managed to convince myself that she was gonna fall into the crocodile pit ( if they had crocs) and nothing anyone said convinced me otherwise.
when my daughter was at school she went on a trip for the week on an adventure type school trip. I was convinced the coach was going to crash.
anther school trip opportunity was to france by ferry, I was convinced she would fall overboard and so I refused to let her go.
when my mum took her to Australia to recover from an illness and to see family I told her under no circumstances was she to go in the sea in case a shark ate her!!!! I also told her to make sure she kept away from bushes in case a snake bit her and to stay away from water in case of crocs. I mean jeez!!! what did I think was gonna happen……….that all at once she would be attacked by a shark, snake and croc and some how killed by all three. I know I was being unreasonable but I couldn’t help it. I think it was because she had been so seriously Ill the year before. finally I told her to make sure she kept her case zipped up in case any 8 legged nasty stowaways decided to join her on the way home. of course non of those things happened but yet even now I still worry and worry and worry. I worry about her all the time, I worry about where I will be in 5 yrs from now. I worry about how she will get through life. I worry about our safety and security.
speaking of being run over by elephants. I was watching the news one evening and one of the stories was about 2 elephants that had made a bid for freedom and managed to escape from a zoo. the footage showed two elephants running down a street causing mayhem. and I thought “my god it is possible to get run over by elephants”!!! so then I kept thinking how awful it would have been if someone had got in their way. the whats ifs again and no one even got hurt. I have the craziest thoughts in my head that seem to come from nowhere.
another thing that played on my mind was the film Jurassic world. theres a scene where a load of flying dinosaurs are let loose and they start swooping down and grabbing people to take back and eat. all I could think was how awful it is that those poor people are gonna get eaten alive. I had to stop watching it then, and its not even real. the strangest things play on my mind.