So one evening I was alone and once again I wondered what it would be like to be dead. I thought how easy it would be to swallow a load of pills and be done with it. I emptied a package of pills and sat there looking at them. I put one in my hand and sat there looking at it. Then suddenly I thought to myself , hang on a minute, what am I doing ? As I looked at this lone pill in my hand I said out loud ” who are you? Your nothing your just one pill. On your own you can’t hurt me it would take a lot more of you to break me or kill me”. As I looked at those pills all I could think was , just one of them can’t hurt me, just like a bully. It would take more than one to do me serious harm. Just like tablets it’s always more than one person who does anything to you. Just like pills, in numbers bullies have the strength to really hurt you. Over the past few years I have vowed to never be bullied again. If there’s one damn thing I won’t stand for any more it’s bullying! A lone bully or tablet is just a weak coward. Why should I give in to the pills when I damn well won’t give in to a bully anymore ? My school days are well and truly behind me now. The overweight stereotypical bully and her minions can no longer hurt me anymore, it’s well and truly behind me now. The trauma of those unhappy school days has been with me for all these years but when I looked at those pills I felt a strength I never knew I had wash over me. Throw away those pills, no harm done. Throw away the intrusive thoughts of years gone by , no harm done. I flushed those thoughts down the loo with the tabs and I felt strong. I also realized how traumatic it would have been for my daughter to find me. How it would have stayed with her for ever. How could I be so selfish ? Now I’m not trying to say by committing suicide the person who did it is an awful selfish person because I understand the pain. When life feels that bad you have no intention of deliberately hurting your family but, it would be selfish to think that those left behind would be scared and devastated forever. The Pain caused be be excruciating for them and I imagine anger would be a major emotion in their pain. I know I will never do it. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever feel like shit again because I know I will. But, I know I can little by little flush it away, just like those pills. It may be an odd way to look at it but it made me smile.
Another thing I’ve always been guilty of is feeling guilty and punishing myself with things in the past I’ve regretted and been ashamed of. It’s gets to the point though where the only things you remember are the bad memories. When I feel the guilt or regret creeping over me again I sit back and let it pass. I don’t board that train because depression city isn’t the stop I want to get off at. Instead of trying to blank out or squash the memories completely I instead sit back and watch that train pass. Instead I choose a destination that my daughter and I have enjoyed together and think of a good memory.
Last night I remembered when my daughter was little I used to tell her all sorts of stories and she believed them all. The memories made me Laugh. I used to tell her that a family of mice used to live under the chair and they were called the honeypot family. She would sit cuddled up on my knee and I would keep her entertained with stories about the family of mice. She would ask me questions and be fascinated by them. I told her the mum mouse was called Sally and she wore a little hat and dress. Of course she believed it. The memories make me laugh. I also told her that when you saw a stray balloon floating in the sky it meant the balloon was going to balloon land. It was a place behind a giant rainbow high in the sky where balloons went and changed into colourful fairies. These fairies looked after the sun and rainbows and granted happy wishes to people who were good. Of course she also believed that story to. And again the memories make me smile. We still talk and laugh about it now. If I wasn’t here anymore who would she have to laugh about all the private memories we have. All the funny happy times and the many more to come.
I urge anyone who feels suicidal to never give. Without you people wouldn’t have half the laughs and memories that they have if not for you. Never give up and keep searching for your next happy memory. Xx