Well it’s another shitty Sunday. The day I hate the most. To me Sundays were always full of dread. Even now I feel incredibly anxious and full of dread on a Sunday. I always want to sleep the day away and be left alone. Even on holiday I hate Sundays. I always will. A lot of people I know hate Sundays, I wonder why?
For me it meant school the next day. A place where my life was hell. I wasn’t the only one who was badly bullied a lot of kids were miserable as a result from the actions of other cruel people. I wonder how they have been effected by it. I wonder if they still think of those nightmare times at school. I wonder if they still feel bitter.
My worst school years were my teen years. It was a school called Carr hill high. I hated the place. As I was growing up I had a jutting out jaw with a protruding chin. The soft bone tissue in my face grew more than it should. It gave my face a flat look so because of that I was bullied. With my protruding chin and jaw and flat looking face it was a target for cruel people to torture me with. This is the first time I’ve ever really spoken about this because I’ve always felt to embarrassed to share the cruel jibes and names that were given to me. I’ve always felt ugly. Even as a young child I felt like the ugly one. I felt I wasn’t good enough and that I was to ugly to be loved. People would call me pancake face and spade face. People would say I looked like I had been hit in the face with a spade or something. Sometimes people would gather round my desk in class and chant cruel names laughing at me and sometimes getting violent towards me. If I cried they would laugh at me and torment me even more. Even out of school I couldn’t get away from it because if any of my tormentors saw me the name calling and bullying would start again. People would ask me what is it like to be as ugly as me. People would ask who it was that had caved my face in with a spade. They would laugh and they would hit. One boy even punched my upper arms till they were black and blue. I felt desperate and in total despair. Another time I was pushed to the floor badly injuring my knee. There was another time where a few girls took me behind a school building to torment me and hit me, one of my so called friends at the time saw what was happening but instead of helping me she said ” I’ve gotta watch this ” ! She stood there and watched as I was punched and verbally abused. I was convinced I was ugly and I was convinced I was an embarrassment to my friends and family.
When I left school I still had cruel remarks about the shape and look of my face. I still hated how I looked. I would purposely make myself the butt of people’s joke, always putting myself down and laughing at myself. It gets to the point though where others learn to think it’s ok to always put you down to.
After years of cruel remarks I decided to have surgery on my face. Not only would it make me look better but I would be able to chew properly to and ease the pain and discomfort. I have actually had very painful surgery three times on my face. The bone once again grew back but grew round the metal plate in my chin and that’s why it was even more painful to operate on the third time. The surgery was extremely painful but I don’t regret it. I just wish I had got it done sooner.
Thing is no matter how you look no one has the right to put you down or hurt you. And don’t put yourself down either because you are as important as everyone else. There will always be cruel people in the world but you don’t have to be one of them.