crying to much and hoping.

Not been on here much the past couple of days but tonight I need to write. I need to put down in words how I’m feeling. If I’m being honest I still feel sort of embarrassed sometimes at admitting how I feel. I worry and wonder what people think of me but right now, to be quite frank I don’t give a fuck. When I’m alone and feeling down the intrusive thoughts take over and I can’t seem to stop them. I wonder what purpose I have in life. I wonder why I am even here and what’s the point. I feel like I’m being crushed by the vicious monster that can’t seem to leave me the fuck alone. I feel angry. I feel defensive. I feel worthless. I feel inadequate. I feel hopeless and helpless. I feel a deep and utter despair that I can’t shake off. A sense of impending doom that scares me to death……almost. most of all I worry. I worry about my daughter. I worry about losing her. I worry about the pain and despair I would feel if I lost her. And then I start to feel as though I’m grieving even though I have no one to grieve for. I frighten myself with what ifs that may never happen. And I worry and I worry and I worry. The anxiety leaves me breathless. It makes me feel Ill. It completely takes over and the irrational intrusive thoughts bite to the bone. I worry about my daughter. I worry about my parents. I worry about my sister. I worry about my friends. As I write this I am in tears. I’m feeling overwhelmed by sadness and anxiety but I don’t even know why. I feel so down that my brain is hurting. My chest is hurting. The feeling in my stomach makes me want to vomit. I’m trying to rationalize my thinking but my GAD is not letting up. My depression is well and truly kicking my ass at the moment. I am once again thinking of that rope. The thought of suicide scares me so much but yet I still think of it. I know I will never do it but when I feel this way death seems like a relief in some way. It’s mad but I’m terrified of death but I get so sick of living. I try to reason with myself but I still feel like shit. I can no longer be concerned by what other people think. I’m saying and writing my feelings because I feel I should no longer try to please others or say what others think I should say. Truth is we all have our demons. We all have our fears. Sometimes we all need to be heard. I am not unique in my thoughts and feelings. I’m just now having the courage to tell it like it is. No one should be afraid of saying how they feel. If others don’t want to hear it then maybe that’s just their way of coping and dealing with their own depression monster. Sometimes you don’t want to hear about anyone else’s shit when your dealing with your own. But tonight I have to say that I feel like shit. I feel lonely. Depression is a lonely illness because only you know how your really feeling. No one can climb in your head and feel everything you feel. Many people can empathize but truly feel your pain. It’s a complicated illness and sometimes you don’t even know yourself what is going on inside your own brain, you can’t quite put into words what’s wrong, there doesn’t seem to be any words. Putting it simply right now I’m on a real downer. I thinking about death. I wonder who I’m gonna lose first and I cry. I worry about my daughter. I wonder what point there is to my life. I worry about our security. I worry about losing my home. I worry about my daughter’s future. I wonder where I’ll be in five years and it scares me because I can’t bare the thought of feeling like this. I wonder if I can go on.  And then I started to cry again. Maybe writing all this down will help me feel a bit better. I hope.

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