the avoidance dance

One of the main problems I cauhse for myself because of my illness is avoidance. For example, I have an irrational intense fear of spiders so I spend a lot of time in my room to avoid coming across any down stairs. I have had quite a lot of very large spiders in this house so I have a lot of nightmares about them now. When my illness became more serious so did my phobia. There have been times when I have needed the loo at night but I’ve been to terrified to leave my room in fear of seeing a spider. At night everything is so much scarier, especially when alone. There was one night when my illness was at its worse that I peed into a jug beside my bed as I was terrified to leave my room. It’s embarrassing to admit that but it’s true. Rather than face my fears I avoid them. Rather than face my worries I avoid them. Rather than talk about my fears and worries I avoid them. When I’m alone in the house I find the nights terrifying even without the fear of seeing spiders. I worry that there is someone downstairs. I worry that something is watching me. I worry something will get me. My worry becomes an intense irrational fears. I think that’s why I became reliant on sleepers . Reliant on anything that helps me sleep. When I’m sleeping I’m avoiding my fears and worries. But then I’m escaping my fears into a world of nightmares. Sometimes I don’t know what’s more terrifying.

I always worry in case I’ve upset someone. I’m not the most tactful person in the world and sometimes my gob takes over from my brain. So then I worry. I avoid that person and worry. Sometimes I get it in my head that I’ve upset someone and I get upset. Most of the time it’s in my head and the other person doesn’t even know what I’m talking about. If I see a negative comment on Facebook I sometimes think it’s about me and make myself ill getting upset over something that actually has nothing to do with me at all!

I have let my friends down so many times when not turning up for an event I’ve been invited to and then avoided them and worried and worried. I’m so terrified of being alone but this awful habit of avoiding and hiding away is cracking me up. I’m so grateful for the patience of those close to me. Just remember that no matter how awful you think you are there will always be people who love and care for you. Know you can get better and know you deserve to be happy. Take little steps at a time and talk to your friends and loved ones about your fears. The people who are important will always be willing to listen.

This blog is dedicated to my friends Lisa , Becky, Amanda, Jenny and Sarah. Yourgreat girls. X

I think I should also mention that one time when I came to bed I pulled the covers back to find a big black spider sitting there waiting for me! Of course I screamed and freaked when I saw the damn thing. I threw a large heavy book at it but of course I missed and it bounced off the bed and disappeared ! As a result of this terrifying experience I refused to sleep in my room for a week ! Extreme yes ! I mean what was it gonna do? Murder me in my sleep ? I really do need to conquer this fear before I lose my marbles completely ! 😕😦

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