oh great! a bloody spider!

It’s four in the morning and I’m wide awake. Again ! My daughter has informed me that there is a large brown spider in the kitchen ! Excellent ! Now I’m to terrified to go down stairs. And I’m definitely to terrified to go into the kitchen. What am I going to do ? I know it sounds ridiculous but now I feel sick and I know I won’t be able to sleep. I wish I had some sleepers because right now my anxiety is through the roof and I’m verging on a major panic attack. I’m trying to breathe normally but I’m finding it hard. I’m going to be a prisoner in my room as soon as darkness starts to fall. As I’ve said everything is so much more terrifying in the dark. The thought of seeing a spider run across the floor makes me feel faint. My terror at the moment is bubbling. It’s irrational but that’s what a phobia is. I wish I could control it but I don’t know how. I can’t even look at a picture of a spider without feeling sick. Now I’ve gone from feeling ok to panic attack mode ! When I’m afraid to feel ashamed and vulnerable. I hate the thought of showing anyone any weakness. I hate the thought of anyone seeing me afraid. In the past when I’ve shown fear and tears its been used against me. I’ve been hit, humiliated , laughed at and bullied. I hate feeling this way. I hate being vulnerable. I wish I wasn’t afraid of anything. I wish this phobia didn’t rule my life and dreams. I know I’m gonna spend most of my time in my room when I’m home. Maybe the fear of spiders has made me hate being alone downstairs. Even when I’m not afraid of seeing a spider I hate being downstairs alone. For some reason I feel incredibly lonely and exposed. I know avoiding situations doesn’t always do me any good but it’s a coping strategy I have. Maybe not an effective one but it’s all I have. I’m annoyed at myself because I know the spider can’t hurt me but yet no matter how I try to reason with myself my fear is still intense. I’m living in fear of seeing something that can’t hurt me and I don’t know how to make it stop. People can be cruel and will make fun of me. I live in fear of someone throwing one at me. I hate being vulnerable. I hate being afraid. I hate being alone. As I have said before when my illness became worse so did my phobia. I feel as though I can not get the better of my intense depression, anxiety and phobia. It’s cruelly controls my life, crushing my spirit and mental well being. I want someone to help me. I want someone to take away my fears. I want someone to take away my vulnerability. I want someone to tell me I’ll be ok. I want someone to take away my pain. All this emotion coming from me just because my daughter has seen a spider. All this fear and irrational panic. I feel weak. I feel vulnerable. I feel afraid. I’m ashamed. The night time is always scary for me. It’s lonely and creepy. It hides things but also exposes things that I fear. I wish I could sleep all through the darkness. I’ve become reliant on sleeping aids because my nights are so terrifying. If I’m sleeping I don’t care if my fears are all around me because I can’t see or feel it. It’s not just spiders I fear, it’s also the night. Everything is so much scarier at night. Bad things always seem to happen at night. Fears always seem to come alive at night. Your ghosts and monsters always come to you at night. The monster I fear the most is all the more terrifying at night. The depression monster comes for me at night in many forms. I wish I didn’t feel so weak. I wish I wasn’t afraid.

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