living with depression

Living with depression for the sufferer is a living hell. But for those close to you it can also be a living hell. Mental health issues are complicated and hard to explain and deal with. Unless someone has suffered with depression or anxiety or any kind of mental health issues its impossible to imagine what it’s like. I really hate it when people say depression is just an excuse not to do anything. I hate it when people make nasty comments or tell you it’s all in your head. And it really irritates me when people tell you to snap out of it or there are people worse off than you. There will always be people worse off than me but that’s not my fault and it doesn’t take away how bad I feel . People seem to want you to feel guilty because of depression. Depression is not your fault and no one should ever make you feel ashamed or guilty for suffering this terrible illness . The person who means more to me than anything is my beautiful daughter. I know how hard dealing with my illness has been for her. I know she lives in fear of me killing myself. No matter how many times I try to reassure her she still has that fear. Mind you so do I. How do I convince her when I don’t know if I believe it myself. My moods are also unpredictable and very unpleasant at times. I find it so hard to keep my moods under control. I don’t know how my daughter puts up with me at times. Because of my problems with depression and anxiety I have lost friends. I have always found it hard to hold anything down. I have never really had a long term relationship with a man. I’m not sure if I ever could commit to a relationship with a man. Or if I would want to. I’m so terrified to be alone but yet I just want people to leave me alone. I just want to sleep each day away but I’m terrified of missing something. I’m so afraid of upsetting people yet I let friends down and let my anger get the better of me. I’ve turned down so many invitations yet I’ve turned most of them down. All I seem to do is eat. I fantasize about food, it’s gives me comfort. Food is now my friend and enemy. My weight has always been an issue for me. I have starved my self to the point of being very ill  and I have binged to the point of hating how big I’ve become. At the moment I hate how big I’ve become. For me issues with Food started from school and became worse during my daughters illness. When I was at school I hated it. It was a miserable and despairing time for me. Bullies made me want to die. When I got home from school I would go to my room and cry. I would binge on chocolate as it gave me some comfort. I would eat two bars during neighbours and two bars during home and away. For that short time I felt some comfort and it become something I would do every day. I would sneak downstairs and get bag and bags of crisps that I would eat right away. This comfort became a habit, an addiction that still haunts me now. I’ve never been able to eat just one or two biscuits. I have to eat the whole package. If I Want chocolate I have to buy a big bar. If I Want crisps it’s a family size packet. My comfort is what brings me misery. I suppose my personality is quite additive. When my daughter spent weeks in hospital it was food that I once again found comfort in. I would eat foods that I dint normally eat like fry ups just to make myself feel a little better. My weight started to balloon during this time which led me to become  reliant of slimming pills and sleeping pills. This is a story left for another time.

No matter how hard it seems try to talk to those close to you about how you feel. Ask them how they feel to. Don’t forget depression isn’t only hard on you, it’s also hard on those closest to you. I suppose depression can make you selfish. It’s easy to overlook and forget the feelings of your loved ones and friends. Talking really can help.

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