I remember the first time I took a sleeping tablet. I’d had terrible insomnia for so long and it was driving me insane. Sleepless nights was when the depression monster bit hardest. I was so desperate for sleep so I eventually decided to see my doctor. I was given a low dosage sleeping tablet prescription for a short term only. I remember thinking that they probably wouldn’t work. That first night I went up to bed with a hot choc, a good book and my sleeping tabs. As I took one I was really doubtful it work. I thought ” well here goes ” as I swallowed it down with a mouthful of hot choc. I lay down , got comfy and started to read. I kept thinking I bet it won’t work, I bet it won’t work. The next thing I knew I woke up still holding my book and the light on. I had slept deeply all night and it felt great. Of course it didn’t really take long for me to need a much higher dose.
When my became very ill and spent weeks in hospital it was one of the most terrifying and stressful times of my life. When I first found out she had a large mass on her brain I was led to believe it was probably cancer. I collapsed to the floor and I could not believe what I was hearing. It was Sunday I got the bad news and Monday my daughter had her first major brain operation. I had awful visions of planning her funeral and I could not stop crying. Those hours she was in surgery were the worst and I dreaded hearing what the surgeon would say in case she hadn’t made it. I can not explain the joy and relief I felt when the surgeon came to my family and I to tell us the op went well. Then I heard the words ” she’s not out of the woods yet ” and my terror instantly jumped right back up to kick me in the arse! I barely slept the whole time she was in hospital and then two weeks later my daughter was rushed into theatre to once again have life saving brain surgery. I went with her when she was wheeled off for her op and she was terrified, she was hysterical and she begged me not to leave her. She clung to my hand with an iron grip and I struggled not to cry. Walking away from my daughter as she was wheeled off to surgery broke my heart. She was terrified and when I got back to the ward I broke down and cried. The op was a success and she was on her way to recovery.
During her time in hospital the days were long. Every day was like ground hog day. This was when my problem with food came back with a vengeance. All I did was eat. Chocolate, crisps, fry ups and takeaways. Sometimes I ate even when I wasn’t hungry. Food brought comfort and relieved some of the boredom, even if it was for a short time. When Brittany left hospital my out of control eating continued. I just couldn’t seem to stop. It made me feel good but it also made me feel bad. And then came the guilt. I felt guilty for eating so much. I felt guilty because my daughter was so I’ll. I felt guilty because I couldn’t take a pain away.
As time went on I ate and ate till I got to the point of hating how I looked. I soon discovered slimming pills. These slimming pills became my nightmare.