As well as the terrible insomnia when I do sleep my dreams can be really messed up, really odd, repetitive and bloody awful. I dream a lot and they can be extremely vivid. I didn’t think it was possible to have the same dream over and over but it is. My repetitive dream is all about my fear of losing my home and security. I dream that I have decided to move house only to end up in a home I hate. I try to come back to my former home but someone else lives there and no one in the area remembers me. I try to return to my new house but I find I have lost that home to. The dreams don’t seem to make sense but I fear them anyway. In my dreams I am unhappy. The dream is all about loss and loneliness. The dream fuels my fear of losing my security and safety of my home,my comfy place. The place I can lock myself away from the big world outside.
The dreams that I find the most unnerving are the “false awakening” dreams. I have had these dreams quite a lot. I’m asleep and then something wakes me. I lie there for a few minutes and then I sit up. All seems normal. I do what I usually do when I wake up. I reach for my phone, check for messages, have a look at Facebook. But then something feels odd, feels off for some reason. Everything looks normal. I get up and go to the bathroom and then everything feels and looks strange but I don’t know why. Then I wake up and realize I’ve been dreaming. And then everything seems strange again. As normal I do what I normally do when I wake up. Check my phone etc but once again something is not quite right and once again I awaken.
This can go on and on. I dream inside my dreams and I awaken inside my dreams. I can have many of these false awakenings all in one night. I find them extremely disturbing and distressing because it feels as though I may never wake up. What if I spend the rest of my life sleeping with constant false awakenings but never actually waking up for real without knowing it. Spending the rest of my life trapped in the ultimate ground hog day of dreams. I don’t even understand what these dreams mean. I wish I could dream of joy and happiness. Maybe when I kill this depression monster for good the distressing dreams Will die with it.