im so afraid

Depression is a complicated illness. It’s confusing and contradictory. I’m so lonely but I can’t face people. I want my friends but can’t face leaving my home to go out. I hate how big my love of junk food has made me but I love to it. Food is my enemy but it’s also my comforting friend. I can be angry and bitter and sometimes it’s because I just feel like being unpleasant. But I hate upsetting people. I want to be liked but I act unlikable. I want to be loved but I don’t know how to love back. I want to be happy but I don’t know how. I hate being laughed at but I make myself the butt of other people’s jokes. I want to be confident but my confidence was destroyed long ago. I want to forgive but I feel to bitter. I want to let go and look forward to my future. The future scares me, the unknown terrifies me.

For the past couple of days I’ve been feeling pretty low. I keep feeling overwhelming sadness and dread. Of course I also feel bad cos I have only just lost my  uncle, the first out of all my uncle’s and aunties. It frightens me because I wonder who is next. I feel even more terrified of losing my mum and dad now. I feel as though time is racing by to quickly and non of us can catch up. For some time is a healer but for me time is a fast approaching horror. I wish I had the power to pause time. I wish I had a time machine so I can go back and save the people I love. It’s sounds ridiculous but I wish I was a vampire so I could bite those I love so we can all be together forever. Today I feel emotional and extremely anxiety. I can’t describe how awful anxiety can be. Sometimes I don’t even know myself why I feel anxious.

Tonight I am meant to be going out with friends. I really don’t feel like it. It can take a lot for me to leave the safety and comfort of my home. I feel shaky and anxious and a bit sick at the thought of going out. I’m afraid if I don’t go out my friends will get annoyed or not invite me out anymore. I’m afraid of being alone but afraid to leave the place I feel safe. I feel fat and unattractive, worthless.

I have also been dwelling on my age. In May I’ll be 40. Which means my next big birthday I’ll be fifty. Will I still have those I love? Will my daughter be settled and happy. Will I ever get out of this rut or will I still be in the same place in the same state of mind. I can’t stop crying. I feel useless and alone. I don’t know how to be a good friend. I take comfort in the things that are no good for me such as junk food, sleepers, my solitude. I wish I could fight the monster and the pain in my head. I wish I had never been born. I wish I could fight how shit I feel everyday. I wish I was normal. I dwell on the past and I dwell on what ifs. I worry about things that will never happen. I worry and dwell on things that’s never happened. I sometimes feel as though I’m losing my mind. I love my family and friends yet I feel like I’m letting them down. I don’t want to lose them but socializing makes my anxiety go through the roof. I wish I was a better person. This is just how I’m feeling today.

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