I haven’t written a blog for a while as I have had a bad few weeks. I found myself wondering if anyone would give a shit if I wasn’t around any more. I wondered if people would soon forget about me if I died. My despair was deep and all consuming making me behave very selfishly. I took an overdose of sleepers and lorazepam, it wasn’t intentional but my daughter found me in a kneeling position with my head in a bag. You can imagine how frightened she must have been to see me like that. My mum and sister also saw me at my worst. I had overdosed medicated myself because as usual I wanted to sleep away the pain. The scare opened my eyes a little wider. I could have died and it would have been my daughter who found me. How could I be to stupid. How could I be so selfish. The gut wrenching indescribable pain I can sometimes feel would have left my dead body and entered my beautiful daughter’s like a speeding truck! Now when I think of suicide I think of this :
The look on my daughter’s face as she sees her dead mother. The feeling of utter shock, horror and gut wrenching despair and overwhelming loss and sadness that would never leave her. And all caused by me.
My daughter passing her driving test. But without me.
My daughter turning 21. But without me.
My daughter finishing uni with honours. But without me.
Christmas celebrations with gifts, good food and good people. But without me.
My daughter choosing fancy dress outfits for Halloween and boxing night. But without me.
Watching the snow fall and building snow men. But without me.
Listening to the rain on the Windows. But without me.
Holidays in the sun. But without me.
New jobs and new friends. But without me.
Engagements and wedding dresses. But without me.
Grand children. But without me.
Just talking each night before we go to bed. Wishing each other good night everything night. Now how can she do that without me? So many happy milestones in her future made unhappy without me. I think of this and get great comfort because it makes me realize how many people really do care about me and how badly they would be affected…….without me.
Life is short. It’s easy to spend it worrying and fretting. You could spend a lifetime looking for answers you may never find. You could waste a lifetime thinking what if and feeling guilty and angry about things that are impossible to change. Learn to accept it in order to move forward. There’s so many more happy memories waiting for you in the future.