Last night I started to feel anxious , jittery and agitated. It just came from nowhere. So of course because of that I couldn’t sleep for ages. Once insomnia kicks in so do the intrusive thoughts. And once these thoughts are on a roll they take no prisoners ! My mind goes in all sorts of directions leading me to guilt , worry, self loathing and despair. I started to feel guilty about things from the past. I start dwelling on what ifs. I think and think and think and I can’t help it. I feel lonely and ponder on what the future holds. It scares the he’ll out of me.
So as I write this I am watching Bridget Jones diary and miming the opening song along with miss Jones. I’m also feeling sorry for myself like the character but the only difference is I don’t have any vodka, just ice cream. Is it about time I found my Mr Darcy or am I better off single for ever ? If Tom hiddleston , Gerard butler or Chris Evans ( captain America ) were to ask me out I’m sure I could forget my feminist views and make myself very available !
In all seriousness though last night was really hard for me. I couldn’t stop crying and worrying and dwelling and the feeling of wanting to scratch the skin off my face was once again overwhelming. My moods can change like the wind and it can be confusing and terrifying. At my worst the voices start to hound me once again.
So for the rest of the day I’m going to enjoy a DVD session of Bridget Jones and sex and the city.