fear of a cult

Well today I’m feeling  really down. I hate days like this because I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel agitated and jittery and horribly anxious. For some reason the fear of death has been playing on my mind. And it feels as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders . The worst thing is you can’t put into words why you feel this way and how much it hurts. Like Labour pains you can’t describe how it feels and in what way it hurts. At least with Labour you have a beautiful little person to have the pleasure of giving birth to and meeting but, with depression you are numb, anxious, agitated, in despair and sometimes suicidal and knowing more than likely your gonna feel this way again with nothing good to show for it. Will it ever go away ? How long am I going to keep fighting until I eventually lose this never ending battle. I get sick of being told there are other people worse off than me because to be quite frank at the moment I don’t give a shit because I know there are others suffering more but that isn’t my fault or responsibility. I didn’t choose to have this illness and trust me I would do anything to make it all stop. I wish I could help everyone in the world that suffers daily but I can’t. Depression is an illness not a choice so before you decide to inform someone that there are others worse off just try to imagine how it must feel to want to be dead on a daily basis and thinking of any little thing to keep you alive so you don’t pass on your pain to anyone else. Try to remember this illness can strike anyone at any time. I refuse to feel ashamed, embarrassed or guilty any more. I suffer with depression and that’s all there is to it.

When I was growing up my family  moved around quite a bit due to my dad being in the army. You lose friends a lot but that’s how the army life is. I was a loner at school and easily bullied. For me fitting in was always hard and I developed a feeling of being worthless from a young age. My mum was in a religion that I now hate, and everyone has heard of. The Jehovah’s witnesses. To be honest I was never interested in their beliefs and only went to please my mum. I now believe this organization to be a cult. A very cruel cult that is now in a lot of trouble due to its policy of protecting paedophiles and child abusers. Domestic violence is also a major problem and being a woman means doing as your told or be a better wife. Your not encouraged to persue higher education or a career because you should devote your whole life to the watch tower society and spreading the “good news ” all without being paid. I wonder how much the seven men at the top of the watch tower society earn while everyone else has to do all the work for free. There are more and more people leaving this cruel cult as people are now opening their eyes to the real “truth ” . This so called wonderful loving religion welcomes the likes of rose  west and Peter Sutcliffe but, iif your gay ! Keep away ! They also have a policy to shun people who decide to leave or if anyone questions their beliefs. To say a lot of them are bigots is definitely fair comment. Shunning is cruel as parents are forbidden to see there children, siblings forbidden to talk or see each other. Families torn apart due to shunning. People die unnecessarily due to the ridiculous no blood rule. All because seven men at the top of the watch tower society say so. Next time these people knock on your door be extremely wary because sex offenders are protected and sent knocking on your door. When I grew up I was terrified of Armageddon. I had it rammed down my throat that if I didn’t do as they say I would die at Armageddon and so would all the other non believers. Everyone I loved and cared for would die simply because they didn’t believe in the jw organization. I was often shown pics of death and destruction as that’s all their books contain. The promise of ever lasting life in a paradise on earth was yours as long as you were a jw. Everyone else would perish wether they were truly good people or not. Don’t want horror films or read Stephen king books but go ahead and look at these books full of death and destruction instead ! Erm ok. Those that are not a witness are classed as worldly and under the influence of Satan but yet they welcome the likes of rose west and Peter Sutcliffe , cover child abuse and blame the woman if she is abused by her hubby.

I could go on and on. I was so frightened growing up because I was convinced I was going to die when all those who lived through world war 1 died. According to the watch tower society when all those from world war 1 died Armageddon would come. I was terrified. But, it didn’t happen. It also didn’t happen the four others times it was meant to. False prophecies seem to be a habit but now people are starting to cotton on to their bullshit. It’s amazing how brain washed people have become when it comes to this cult and you really do believe what they say. That’s how powerful and cruel these organizations are. And the thing is most jws are the loviest people. They just truly believe what they have been told and without these beliefs what would they have then ? My mum is a lovely gentle woman and really does believe in that group and I respect the fact that she doesn’t try to force it on anyone else. The watch tower society prays on the vulnerable and uses the scare factor to keep people trapped. Also by encouraging people not to have friend ships outside the religion also keeps you trapped. The power of this cult is strong. It stays with you and makes you think what if even if you do find the courage to leave.

Now that I don’t believe in any of their craps any more I’m left thinking what does happen when we die ? Is that it ?If I had lost my daughter when she became so I’ll would that have been it? Or would I have seen her again ? All those we have known , loved and lost are they lost to us forever or can we look forward to life after death ? If I lost the man I loved but was lucky enough to find love again then what ? Who would I be reunited with in heaven ? I fear death so much and I worry and dwell on it especially about losing those I love. The thought of never seeing my loved ones again fills me with awful despair and confusion because I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore. I envy those non Jehovah’s witnesses who believe in heaven because it’s a comfort I feel has been taken from me and its scares me so much that I cry as I write this..