Today I’m feeling extremely frustrated. Once again I haven’t slept. I’m hoping that when I start training and working out again my body will start telling me to sleep more and at reasonable times. Once my sleeping patterns improve I’m hoping my binge eating will start to lose its grip on me. For a while now food has been my friend and comfort as well as my worst enemy ! Like and abused spouse I stick with the enemy because I “love it “, or at least I think I do. Choc, crisps, fried chicken and pizza ( and jelly babies ) all the abusive foods that have taken their toll in the worst way. A healthy relationship with food is definitely a huge step in the right direction a sure way to improve my body, mind and self-esteem. I have to do this and I know I can do this.
Another thing that has really held me back is my fear of leaving the house on my own. I’ve missed out on so many evening outings with my friends and I have let people down. The only thing that has stayed a part of me is my love of travel. Maybe because no one knows me so no one can see how sshit I feel about myself. I’m always the life and soul of the party. Always making people laugh and making friends with people I’ve only just met. Always as daft as a brush until my mood shifts and out comes the Ayshea that no one likes. But it doesn’t matter because I won’t see those people again right ? But it does matter, because it’s how I cope. It’s matters because I care very much for people and hate to upset people, I just don’t know how to show it. I have a long journey ahead of me but if I want to have a life that I want to live then I have to try. I have much to live for and many more memories to create.