stalked by the monster

The clocks have gone back so the dark winter evenings have finally drawn in. I love it when the clocks go back especially when the build up to Christmas arrives to put me in a festive mood. I love the smell of winter, I love the colours of winter and I love snuggling up with my daughter under our quilts with cinnamon scented candles and hot chocolate. Even though I love the build up to Christmas I hate the actual day. When my daughter was young it was a very lonely time for me and when I was a kid it was a miserable day. January and February are shitty months to but from now until Christmas eve it’s time to enjoy scented candles, hot chocolate and Christmas films that I’ve already seen dozens of times. Plans for the festive season have already been made for me and Brittany, or should I say my daughter and I ? Anyway plans have been made for the festive season and I find myself looking forward to them very much. Our trip to Bratislava for the Christmas markets, our Christmas party, trips to Manchester Christmas markets, ice skating, our Christmas day outing and our boozy fancy dress boxing night give me reason to smile and the opportunity to create more awesome memory boxes.

Although I have been struggling a great deal mentally lately I still find myself determined to get to a place where I feel genuinely happy. It’s the little things like a trip to the Manchester Xmas market , scented candles and cosy evenings that I cherish and want to see over and over. I have so much to live for even though it doesn’t always seem that way. My difficult times seem to out number the happy times but, when I do have happy times it makes me realize that life really is worth living. My daughter makes life worth living and I wouldn’t swap our time together for anything. she makes me laugh and she makes me feel loved. There should be no greater love than the love between a parent and child. No man or God will ever mean more to me.

One of the things I love about this time of the year is buying my daughter her Christmas presents. I’ve always spoiled her rotten and probably always will. I love seeing the pile of pressies under the tree. I’m terrible when it comes to being patient with present opening and pretty much every year we have opened our pressies on Xmas eve, I know I know it’s terrible but we don’t care lol. Christmas pyjamas are opened and worn on Christmas eve. I know most people wait but we aren’t the mum, dad and two.four children family and it works for us.

I hope soon I can kill the monster that has stalked me for years but for now all I can do is what I’ve been doing for years, the very best I can.

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