Tonight I am feeling really down and anxious. When I feel like this it overwhelms me. I feel like the depression monster is crushing the life out of me. Feeling as bad as this is what makes me want to give up sometimes. I wonder how much longer I can go on. It feels almost impossible to get through each long slow minute never mind the rest of my life. I wish I could give my brain a good clean to get rid of all the shit that fucks with my mind. I feel disheartened because I don’t get the support for my blog I thought I would. It feels as though no one gives a shit and I’m trying and trying but not getting anywhere. I just want to take off somewhere and hide away. Go somewhere no one knows me and disappear. I wonder why I bother with anything because this awful illness never seems to stop. It’s relentless in its torment and pain and stalks me no matter where I go or who I’m with. My brain is aching and there is no pill I can take to make it stop. My mood is extremely low and I feel agitated and restless. I keep picturing my daughter’s face and its that beautiful face that makes me go on. I could never pass my pain onto her because I know just how awful it is. I cry and I don’t even know what I’m crying for. I feel overwhelming guilt and anger that I can’t explain or shake off. I just want it to stop, I need it to stop because I’m so afraid it will kill me.
I will never leave my daughter, sister or parents because it would be to cruel. I can’t and will not give up because it’s way way before my time. I just wish I could cope better and be a better person. Hopefully some day soon I can learn to be stronger.