Well today I am feeling a lot better. I’m not feeling fab and fantastic but I am feeling so much better. This blog is for Lyra & ruby, two girls I have never met but encourage me with their kind words and encourage me by reading my blog. Thank you girls. Also I want to offer my sincere thank yous to others who read my blogs like Susan farnworth, Maria, my daughter and sis, zoe Webb and many others who offer their support whether they know it or not. You all keep me strong. Last night I put a status on Facebook saying that I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Although I meant at the time I wish I hadn’t put it on Facebook. I upset my daughter and only caused worry. Thing is though when you feel so bad you honestly believe no one gives a shit, it’s easy to forget that there is always someone that loves and needs you. Depression makes you want to give up, it makes you feel worthless and it makes everything personal and you see things differently to everyone else. It’s easy to believe you are a burden because it’s such a complicated illness and being around it can rub off on others, the last thing I want is to make anyone else feel as bad as me. So therefore it’s hard to let others in.
Anyway I think it’s time to open another awesome memory box.
In 2010/11 my daughter and I went to Australia for Christmas and New year. The flight was long and you start feeling as though your losing the will to live! I remember one part of the journey taking my shoes off and putting them on the seat next to my daughter and then walking about to stretch my legs. I was stood in front of the loo talking to a couple of people when my daughter came charging over and threw my shoes at me because they reeked. I hadn’t even noticed and I was mortified when I saw people backing away. Afterwards though we laughed and laughed for ages. We still do now. The rest of the trip was uneventful and we got to Australia safely. The main concern I had was coming across any spiders. I’m terrified of spiders and the ones in Australia are huge! Luckily during that trip I didn’t come across any.
We loved Australia, the weather was amazing and the whole place seemed so laid back and friendly. On new years eve my daughter and I saw the new year in with fireworks in Brisbane city. It was amazing.
One evening my daughter and I went into the city for a few drinks. ( I think it was the 6th of January ). We got talking to 3 people sat at a table next to us and they were celebrating a birthday. I bought the birthday boy a cocktail as there was something about the trio my daughter and I really liked. We joined groups and went on to have a great time with Luis,L-Jay and another lovely lady whose name I can’t remember. We were sorry to see them go when they had to leave but we kept in touch. The following Christmas and New year we returned to Australia. We were invited to stay with our new friends L -jay , tino and Luis. I must say never have my daughter and I been made to feel so trusted, accepted and welcome. These wonderful people helped make our trip even better and we will always be grateful. I hope they know our home and hearts will always be open to them. There were others we got to know, Lena and luke were also wonderful people to know. I hope we see them again soon. We are also lucky enough to have two others friends that have also invited us back, glenys and Jason, thank you.
It’s easy to think the worst of yourself and its easy to forget the wonderful people that are still in your life. They are in your life for a reason so you are not the worthless burden you think you are. Kindness from strangers can be amazing especially when strangers become your friends. Kindness from friends is amazing and real. I’ll try to remember that the next time I’m tempted to announce my feelings on Facebook. Thank you to all my friends and readers, you mean a lot.