i have to say

I have to say that today I’m struggling. In fact the past few days have been tough. I have felt like shit and I can’t handle it. For some reason when I’m feeling really distressed I’m right back at the grand canyon. Standing on a ledge looking down but not seeing the bottom because I’m so high. One little push could end my life. A crumbling ledge or if I lose my balance I would fall with no chance of a happy ending. I keep thinking about that time I went to the grand canyon to watch the sun rises over what was already an amazing view. I felt in awe of that place. It was eerie and haunted but awesome. I stood on the edge of the canyon with my toes over the edge looking down. People behind me could have so easily knocked into me sending me to my death. A feeling of vertigo could have tipped me over. I backed away from the edge before any accidents happened. I wasn’t trying to be reckless or funny. I just stood looking down. Now though I torture myself with what ifs. What if I had fallen ? It consumes me and I dwell on the what ifs. I’m safe, I didn’t fall but for some reason I still think of it and feel fear and despair. What if I had fallen, what if what if what if. I know I’m down because I’m back at the grand canyon. Will this depression ever leave me alone ? How long can I carry on being strong ? I’m weak and I let people down. I want so much to help others but how can I when I can’t help myself. My brain hurts.

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