i dont want to die.

It’s not that I want to die, it’s just that sometimes I get so damn sick and tired of living. Suicide is quick and it’s final. Depression can last a lifetime, it can seem like forever. I understand why suicide can at times seem like the best option. But I don’t think anyone wants to really die. Death is feared by so many . It’s a terrifying thought but so is having to live with a mental illness. I don’t think anyone wants to truly die, they just want the depression monster dead instead. If people could learn how to kill this terrifying monster life could be bearable, even enjoyable so many more of us. Without mental illness the world would be such a prettier place. No one’s life would be ruined by suicide and we could all smile at each other and be a little nicer to each other.

I have to admit though if I wasn’t so afraid of death and had no loved ones I think I would have started singing with the angels years ago. Sometimes I feel so bad I just wish that one night I could go to sleep and never wake up again. If someone was to ask me what’s wrong and how my illness effects me I’m not sure I could answer. How do you describe to someone an illness so complicated it’s hard to get your own head around your feelings. I can tell you that sometimes I feel as though I’m being crushed to death.

I’m lonely but find keeping, maintaining and making new friends so damn hard.

I’m lonely but hate leaving the comfort of my home.

I’m lonely but keep my walls well and truly up.

I’m lonely because I have no confidence , energy or drive. I’m lonely because I don’t know how to let people in.

I look forward to the day when I can finish this blog with a big fat The End under the last sentence because that’s when I’ll truly know I’ve kicked my monsters ass ! That’s when I’ll know that I’m gonna be ok. I’m hoping I can help others to do the same. Suicide is one topic I’m passionate about helping others with and one day putting an end to it. Pregnant women, women just giving birth are more at risk of dying by suicide than anything else. It’s shocking and incredibly sad. Young men are more at risk from death of suicide. Anyone is at risk and we should be scared enough to take mental health more seriously. Suicide is fast, but, death is forever. I’ll never give up on true happiness and I’ll never give up hope on stamping out mental health illnesses and suicide for once and for all ! Look after each other, you never know who may need you right now.



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