confessions of the non suicidal

I know my blog can be really well….depressing but, it’s real and it’s my truth. If I’m honest I think about suicide every day. I wonder if it would hurt if I ever went through with it. I wonder what my final thoughts would be and would I care that my life was just about to end. Like I have said before, I’m to afraid to die but I’m also to afraid to keep going. This painful conflicting contradiction inside my head is a daily battle. It’s torture. I may feel this way inside but outside people think I’m funny. I’m good for a laugh and full of confidence. I may seem like a total nutter but it doesn’t mean that I never laugh or smile and even have fun. People suffering with serious mental health issues are often afraid to talk about how they feel as the stigma attached to depression is still a huge problem. It’s scary spilling your guts to others as you are afraid of what others may think. Who wants to be friends with someone who is depressed every day! No one wants to hear your depressing stories ! People who are depressed want to bring you down with them right………? Wrong ! That’s why when someone commits suicide it can hit you like a brick! You don’t see it coming and that’s why it’s so important for people who are suffering from depression to be able to talk about it without prejudice and shame. Lives can be saved just by listening.

The past couple of weeks have been hard. For some reason I have not been able to enjoy anything. My beloved books have been left UN read. My face tv programs not watched. My thoughts have been crushing. I want to know what normal is and how it feels. I’ve never been in love and I feel as though I don’t have a best friend to talk to. I feel as though it’s all my fault because I don’t know how to be a good person.

One of the main emotions I feel with my depression is guilt. I feel guilty if I upset people. I feel guilty because my daughter doesn’t have her father or any siblings. I feel guilty for being a bad mum. I feel guilty for hurting others. Guilt is an awful emotion that can choke you. I’m trying to learn to let it go but it’s hard.

While I’ve been doing this blog I’ve been doing a lot of research on mental health issues. I have read some awful stories and it’s make me determined to try and turn my negative into a positive. To try and turn other negative to positives. I truly believe it’s possible. I would love to go into schools, college’s, universities and work places to talk about my experiences and encourage others to do the same. The sooner people can be reached the sooner they can be saved.


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