look for you’re good while looking at you’re bad.

Lately when I have been feeling my worst and punishing myself with whatever quilty thought is invading my brain I look for some good that I have done. I’m trying to banish the “evil” person I think I am by searching for the truly good person I sort of know I can be. Lots of times when I can not sleep one of the main emotions my depression crushes me with is guilt. I feel guilty about everything especially when it comes to my daughter. I dwell on things for months that most people have well and truly forgotten about. I think of past experiences and don’t even know myself if I am the truly awful person I’ve almost convinced myself that I am. Right and wrong becomes blurred and confusing because my opinions of myself are so love and my confidence level is almost zero. I punishing myself for being me, never able to recognize if my actions are truly that bad or if as usual I’m just beating myself up for simply being me. Never able to fit in or maintain long-term relationships. The cruelty of others has well and truly haunted me and the fact that no one tells me they are sorry for their cruel behaviour frustrates and confuses me because I feel so bad for everything I have ever done to upset others whether people believe it or not. The thing is though that it can get to the point that it becomes the norm to beat yourself up and others think it’s ok to do the same. Don’t let them ! And don’t let yourself ! If you’re someone who can dwell on something for years you seem to think is so bad that others have forgotten all about then you have to realize only a decent person with feelings and a conscience could care so much. That caring person is you ! So from now on when some guilty memory intrudes in your brain without an invite then bring a good memory to the party ! Think of something good you have done. Ask yourself if you were really so bad would you really have done all the decent things you have done to please those you love. I think of all the places I have taken my daughter. I think about all the years we have spent together without her ever having to get to know some other “dad” or “uncle “. I think about our bond and how unbreakable it is. You will be surprised to know that even the most together people have their guilty demons. You will be surprised to know just how many people really don’t care about previous bad behaviour. And you will also be surprised to realize how many people will say everything they have done is for their kids when really it isn’t. It’s so they won’t have to live without another man in their life. That’s something I can truly say I’ve never done. But rather than point the finger just realize that we all have our different ways of coping and we all try and get through life the best way we can whether we agree or not.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s