Well it’s stupid o’clock in the morning and once again I’m wide awake. It was the same story last night. As I couldn’t sleep ( again ) I decided to watch a couple of films. Reading this back it seems a bit confusing so let me explain that again. I haven’t been able to sleep for the past couple of evenings so it was last night that I decided to watch a couple of films on my laptop. I know it’s not a good idea to use a laptop late at night as it stimulates the brain and keeps you up but, sleep was miles away anyway so I thought sod it I’ll watch some films. Anyway, the first film I watched was Sinister 2. Not really terrible but, not good either. I enjoyed the first so had wanted to watch the second for a while. Like I said, I watched it and it wasn’t really good nor was it really bad. When it was finished my destination, dream land was still a million miles away so I chose another film. I wasn’t really feeling down. I was just frustrated due to lack of sleep so when sleep is hard to find along come the intrusive thoughts. At least for me anyway. In fact I’m willing to bet that most people start having awful thoughts or memories invade their brains whilst in the midst of a God awful bout of insomnia ! So anyway I had a look through some films wondering what to watch when I came across Miss You Already with Toni Collette ( who I love ) and Drew Barrymore. Not really knowing anything about it I put it on and settled back to watch it.
Basically the film is about the lives of two best friends who meet at a school in England. ( drew is the American and Toni sports a great British accent ). It shows their lives and friendship from there. Cutting it short one gets cancer ( Collette ) and at the end unfortunately dies. It’s a weepy and boy did it make me weep! I was crying my eyes out at the end which then led to a panic attack ! I was practically inconsolable as if I had known this character personally ! I don’t know whether that is normal or if I really am a nutter ! Do other people cry like I do at the end of a sad film? Is it because of my depression that it upset me even more? To be honest I really don’t know. What I do know is that after the film ended I was on a real downer for hours and still feel a bit grotty now. I have always cried at sad films but I always try and control it when others are around but, when alone I get really upset. As I have said before because I have been so ill with depression for such a long time I really don’t know what is or isn’t normal anymore. Is it normal to cry so much over a sad film then dwell on it for ages and then start to punish myself with guilt, what if and am I such a terrible person thoughts ? Hmm, I just don’t know. There’s also a lesson here to. Don’t watch a really sad film alone, while suffering with insomnia or depression because it’s guaranteed to make you feel a hundred times worse. That film put me on a real downer but, to be honest if I had known she was going to die at the end I think I still would have watched it. It’s almost like I want to be miserable sometimes because even though I know what I’m like when it comes to a weepy film, I still go right ahead and watch it. Like I’m deliberately punishing myself. Is that normal ?