nearly the end of the year

It’s almost the end of another year. To be honest I wish I could sleep and wake up at the end of January. It’s not because I’ve had any sort of trauma It’s just that I hate this time of year. To many bad and bitter memories. For some reason I’ve felt so down the past couple of months that I’ve almost cracked up. I wonder where I’ll be this time next year. I wonder how I’ll be this time next year. I wonder if I’ll be happy. How can I look forward to the next year when every other has been the same.

I wonder how I would cope if I ever did lose someone I love. I look at others around me and admire their strength and courage. Wives without their husbands, children without their fathers, mothers and fathers without their babies. Whether they know it or not I admire their strength. I feel so bad for them and I wish I could take away their pain. It makes me feel guilty for feeling so shit . You would look at me and think that I was perfectly ok. What you can’t see is a different kind of cancer that is eating away at me inside my brain and body. I hope I figure out how to kill my monster eventually so I can live my life without feeling as though my brain is being crushed. So I can live my life and be truly happy. One of the main worries I have is eventually finding true happiness and then losing someone I love so much. Finding peace and happiness then losing it all. In my mind my coping abilities seen to really suck while others around me seem to handle their traumas and monsters so much better than me. For that I admire them and I wish I could be more like them. I wish them much love and peace.

I wonder what is ahead of me next year. I wonder what is ahead for all my family. To be honest I can’t barely the thought of living through another year feeling like this. I feel sort of lost , I feel as though I need guidance or something to believe in. Wouldn’t it be great is something could come to you, give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be ok, that’s the kind of guidance I would love. Wouldn’t we all ! That would be way to easy. I’ve even been tempted to walk into a church just to sit and think. Only trouble is I’ve been put off religion for life. I hate a lot of religion because I truly believe a lot of it can be so damaging and cruel. Religion can effect and stay with you for life and not in a good way. For all these years I’ve been terrified of death, terrified of losing those I love. Terrified of having nothing to believe in any more. I constantly worry about losing those I love and never seeing them again in an after life. I feel as though that comfort has been taken from me because of other people’s beliefs . Maybe it’s about time I started looking for a cause that really means something to me. Time to start believing in myself before I look for something else to believe in . Time to find my own comforts and faith.

Like I said earlier there are people around me who have suffered such awful heart breaking loses but, they keep going. They keep going for the other loved ones in their lives. They keep going because they are good strong people. No one can take that away from them. One day I’ll learn to be as strong. I can’t bare the thought of losing any of my family so I need to learn how to enjoy time with them instead of being permanently terrified of losing them. This blog is for those who have had unimaginable pain and heartbreak this year. You inspire me into getting better and helping others to get better.

 

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