christmas eve christmas day

Well it’s Christmas eve, almost Christmas day and for the first time ever I’ve spent the evening alone. My daughter decided to go out with her friends which I’m glad about because when she is happy I’m happy. I’m just wondering what kind of state she will be in when she gets home!

I started this blog in the summer because I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences with others in an attempt to encourage others to also open up. I felt so low that I needed to know I wasn’t the only one who felt this way. I wanted to know I was still normal and I wasn’t completely losing it. I’m so glad I decided to pluck up the courage to start my blog the depression monster. I was at a point that I thought sod it, I need to talk about this. I need to hear others talk about it to. I’ve had people all over the world read my blogs so it shows just how ¬†many other people suffer in silence. People all over the world. People like me. People like you. It’s been a comfort because of the messages of support I’ve had from others and it’s been a comfort to have others trust me enough to confide in me. It shows I’m not alone. WE are not alone. It takes a lot of courage for people to open up about mental health issues. Trusting people with your thoughts, mind your brain can be frightening and exhausting. I don’t care what people think any more. I’m not going to lie about how I feel. I’m going to keep talking until people listen. Maybe that way opening up about mental health will become the norm rather than being taboo.

At first I felt down about being on my own but, I ran a very hot very bubbly bubble bath, poured a vodka, lit a lot of candles and listened to some really cheesy music! I felt myself relax. I thought about the control I can still have over my life. The control I feel I have lost I can get back. It’s not going to be easy and I know I’ll have set backs. But I am strong and I deserve to be happy. Knowing I have people there, even if I can’t always be with them is a great comfort. I’m not completely alone. I love and I am loved.

The end of this year will be tinged with a lot of sadness. We lost an uncle and it’s still hard to believe he has gone. The tragedies of others around me make me want to hug their pain away. The sadness in this street is agony for some. They may not know it but my thoughts are always with them. I admire their strength.

Although there has been sadness there ,for me, is still hope. I’ll never give up this fight with my monster and one day I hope to beat it, or at least make a difference to others suffering. I hope to fall in love. I hope to be happy. I’m confident that one day I will.

Merry Christmas everyone. May all your dreams come true, and I hope the new year is good to you. Be happy be safe.

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