I have always felt as though my life has been shit and boring. I have always beat myself up with guilty feelings, anger and bitterness. I have always seen myself as such an awful person who does not deserve love. The future always seemed so bleak and terrifying and the urge to give up would sometimes overwhelm me.
Lately though I’ve started giving myself a break. Am I the only one who has ever made a mistake ? Am I really the worst mother in the world ? Has dwelling on the past and staying angry done me any favours ? Am I really so hateful ? accept the fact that you may never get all the answers you want and Learn to accept that then you can start learning to move on and live the happy life you deserve.
You should never feel guilty for feeling the way you do though because you can not help the way you feel. We are all different and we all have our own ways of coping. For me starting this blog is the best thing I’ve ever done as it has been great therapy and I’ve started to see things much more clearly. I’ve had lots of cbt and I really do recommend it. Trouble is after the therapy sessions come to an end you feel sort of left to carry on alone that’s why I started this blog as a sort of self therapy. I would also recommend people starting a happiness diary as sufferers of depression tend to only remember the bad. Write down all your happy thoughts, ideas and days. Write down what has made you laugh. Why should your memories only be bad. During the times when you feel really bad just read your happiness diary. It’ll be a great read and may just make you smile again.
As for me, I’ve started to learn not to be myself up so much. Is my life really so boring ? Well not really. I lived in Germany as a child before the Berlin wall was brought down. Every now and then the air raid siren would sound and we would have to make our way to safety. My dad would still have to check the car for car bombs. I’ve known lots of great people and been to lots of great places. And most of these great adventures have been shared with my beautiful daughter. She has been well travelled, well clothed, well fed and loved with every ounce of my body and being. Am I so bad ? As your happiness diary becomes more full hopefully so will your life. And hopefully you will learn to start remembering and recognising the good in your life and self. It can be such a long hard journey but don’t let all the bad take over all the good.
Good look on your happiness journey.