struggling today

Today I am at that point where I wonder how it would feel to end my life. I wonder if it would hurt and I wonder if I would be scared. I’m all alone again but today my loneliness is hurting my head. I feel empty today. Alone with no one to talk to and no one who cares. I’m empty. To be honest I sometimes wonder why I keep going. People may read this and roll their eyes or they may try and lecture me on how I should think of others before writing such posts but today I don’t give a fuck. I’m always thinking of others that’s why I won’t fucking top myself ! At the end of the day though who gives a shit ? I’m often alone and no one bothers to be there for me. No one supports me with what I’m trying to do with my blog. No matter what you do to try to improve your life there is always jealous dick heads that will put you down and bitch. What they don’t know they make up . It’s the only way to try and put some pleasure into their own shitty two faced lives. I had almost come to the conclusion that I’m better off alone, don’t defend anyone because no one seems to defend me. I’m sorry if I won’t kiss peoples back sides and go along with the crowd. I’m not going to change my opinions just to please others and I probably won’t stop saying what everyone else is thinking. Facebook is the most two faced site of all, at least with me you know I’m being an arsehole ! I’ve never been in a clique and I’ve never been in a popular crowd. I always find it maddening that some of the most popular are some of the meanest and two faced. I also won’t apologize for writing down how I feel. I’m not here to hurt others I’m simply here to express how I feel. I wonder just how many of us really do Have the huge amount of “great” friends we think we do. Can you really rely on everyone around you and when it comes to it, who is there for you when the chips are down. Who is really on your side ? I’ve been single most of my life so does that mean I want to fuck your fellas ? Does that mean I’m gonna lead your precious girlfriend s astray ? Does it matter that I haven’t so much as kissed a man for 5 yrs ? People will always be nasty and people will always make up their minds about you because of others or because of jealousy and it will always be upsetting. Sometimes it’s worth making your own mind up about people and seeing the real person for yourself. Trust me half of you “happy ” couples don’t need the encouragement of others to fuck about ! As you can see today I feel angry and frustrated. I can’t help it. And to be honest this rant has just spilled over, I had no intention of writing any of this. I didn’t realise just how angry I felt and writing it down is actually easing my mood.

I also realise that I do have a lot to llive for and I do realise that I have special people to live for but, it still doesn’t ease my loneliness. As long as I have people who care I will never slip that rope round my neck. I just wish the thoughts of suicide would stop intruding on my brain. I still have a long battle a head. It’s a battle I mainly face alone. I wonder just how lonely we can all be ? Surely I’m not the only one with such thoughts. I just want the constant pain in my head to stop. I want the anger , sadness and guilt to stop. I want to be happy. I want to help others to achieve true happiness but, how can I help others when I can’t help myself. I’m afraid that I’m failing.

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