crack!

It’s another sleepless night so far and these are the worse times for those God awful intrusive thoughts to come crashing into my head. It’s times like this when I feel as though I could lose this endless painful battle that never seems to let go of my aching brain. At the moment I feel like shit and to be honest I seem to feel this way all to often. It’s times like this when I feel I’m about to crack wide open. I can’t stand this feeling. This unexplainable feeling of utter and total misery. My head is hurting. These times make suicide seem like a warm fuzzy blanket. A relief. I’d give anything to kill this monster that sometimes manages to devour me. I thought it would be best to write down what I’m feeling so I’m not to tempted to give in to that warm fuzzy blanket. How comforting it would be to wrap myself in it and not to hurt anymore. But then I think about the hurt I would pass on to my loved ones, especially my daughter. I simply can not offload my agony onto anyone else so I keep fighting no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes I feel as though I’m getting worse. Sometimes I feel as though there’s nothing but more pain ahead of me. I try and try. I give myself things to look forward to. I try to concentrate on a good book or a good film. Thing is at the moment I simply cannot enjoy those activities. I feel as though no one understands just how deep my pain is. Hell I can’t even understand it myself ! It’s just way to complicated to try to explain what’s going on in my own head. My head hurts and so does my neck. I don’t even know the meaning of the word “relaxed” ! What the fuck does relax mean? I can barely remember. I feel like a pan of boiling water that is constantly bubbling. Sometimes I boil over then I’m back to bubbling. I wish I could just simmer gently and relax. The impending sense of doom is just about killing me. I’m worried about something but I don’t know what. I’m so tired of living and bubbling but I’m terrified of dying. Like I said depression is a contradiction. You do and you don’t. You are and you aren’t. You can but you can’t. I wonder how it feels to be normal. I wonder if there’s any such thing. Is there anyone in the world who is truly happy? Is there anyone in the world who has never felt depressed ? I find it impossible to imagine a world without depression. Can it really be true ?

Writing down my feelings is a relief. It’s good to say how I’m feeling. Whether people agree with what I write or not it doesn’t matter. What matters is the small sense of relief I get when I can vent on my blog. Maybe my words come to a relief to others. Maybe it helps. I hope so ? Is it a good idea to be so honest with my feelings ? I think so. People should be honest. The stigma attached to mental health issues is still way to strong so the more people who speak out the better. More lives can be saved if we end the stigma.

I’m starting to feel a bit better. The panic attack that was starting to pound my brain has eased off immensely and I can breathe again. That shushing noise in my temples has stopped. Maybe now I can rest. Yes time to rest so I can face and fight through another day.

Goog night all. See you tomorrow.

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