still no choc!

Well it’s the 15th of March and I still haven’t had any chocolate. Trouble is though I’ve been eating other things like biscuits that are almost as unhealthy. If I can cut out chocolate and crisps I’m pretty sure I can cut out the rest of the junk. It’s weird because I know my diet is bad for me and makes me unhappy but it also comforts me to. Like an abusive relationship I keep going back to it because I think I love it. I know it isn’t helping my frame of mind and I hate how I look. People seem to think that if your overweight you no longer have feelings. I’ve been called a fat bastard and a fat fuck by idiots shouting out of their car windows. It hurts but I know it’s really them with a serious problem. I’m starting to leave the house more but there are still times where I can be in the house a week or two without going out. I feel safe here and no one can see how I look. I fear I’m letting my life pass me by but I feel trapped. I’m trapped in a rut and I don’t know how to get out. If happiness really is a choice then how do I make those right choices. I wish I had a fairy godmother or guardian angel to guide me and tell me that everything will be ok. Tell me that I’m not worthless or useless and give me confidence that I have never felt before. Tell me that I’m worthy of love. Reassure me that I’ll be fine and I won’t be lonely forever. Today I’ve been really anxious. It’s a feeling I know only to well. It’s one of those things that you just have to ride through no matter how bumpy. It’s an awful feeling but I know I’ll be ok, it’s a feeling I have felt my whole life.

I won’t give up on this dechox challenge because the feeling I’ll have from giving up will be much worse than my craven for chocolate. I’m proving to myself that I can achieve goals if I put my mind to it. If I can keep pushing ahead through my depression that I can achieve anything. I am strong and I can do this.

Stay tuned………


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