the big 40!

Hello all. It’s been a while since my last post so I thought I’d get one done. On the 9th of May I turned 40. It was scary. It was bad enough leaving my 20s but now I’m not even in my 30s anymore ! I’ve been told many times that life begins at 40 so here’s hoping that’s true.

As far as my mental health goes I’ve been up and down. Lately I’ve had my arse kicked by anxiety. I think it’s because of the big 40! On Saturday the 7th of May I had a party with some good friends and family and on the 9th ( my actual birthday ) I travelled to Edinburgh for two nights with my daughter. These events were planned for months so the age thing didn’t really bother me because I had other things to focus on and look forward to. Now though I feel sort of empty. I’m 40! A great big huge 40! Now that the celebrations are over I feel sort of empty. There have also been the deaths of some really big celebs that many of us grew up with and as strange as it sounds it feels really sad to lose them. They weren’t just celebs they were memories and these memories bring on a sad sense of nostalgia. As a kid I loved Paul Daniels and had one of his magic kits for Christmas. I didn’t have a clue how to use it but I would spend hours playing with it anyway. As a kid a favourite teacher of mine had a huge crush on David bowie. That’s the main thing I remember about this teacher, she was mad on David bowie. And who can forget that great film Labyrinth ? One of my childhood favourites. When these people grow old and die you realise that you yourself is also getting older and that makes me feel sad. The song Cream by Prince is one of my favourite songs and an old school friend of my loved him. I always thought he looked like a little skinny girl but I admired his music. The saddest death for me is Alan Rickman, he was such a great actor and once again a reminder of my school days. How can we forget Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. So many memories surface with the death of a celeb and you realise no one is immortal ( except maybe for my evil gran) and it scares me.

As I have said lately anxiety has been kicking my arse. It’s such an awful feeling that can be impossible to describe. I can be Sat watching tv or reading a book and BOOM I’m anxious and I don’t even know why. All you can do is ride it through. My depression hasn’t kicked my ass as much as the anxiety lately but to be honest it’s doesn’t seem like a good thing because anxiety is crushing.

Yes turning 40 has scared me. I wonder what this decade has in store for me. I wonder if life really does begin starting from now. I do hope so as I think I deserve a bit of happiness. Maybe this will be the decade that I will finally know what it’s like to be in love. Is being in love really all that great ? I have no idea. Do I even want to know how it feels ? Who knows what my 40s will bring.

Stay tuned…….

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