Today is one of those days that I feel like shit and I don’t care who knows it. My anxiety is really kicking my arse today and I’m worrying about every little thing. I can feel a full on panic attack in the near distance so I’m putting down my feelings on paper to try and get rid of the fast approaching attack. I’ve got a stream of what ifs and worries in my brain but even so I’ve no idea why I’m getting seriously panicky.
I’ve lived on this same st for twenty years. There has been a lot of gossip, laughing and sadness. It’s the only home my daughter has ever known. I feel trapped here and I feel unhappy. I seem to be the only person who hasn’t moved on. I’m not a clique person, never have been and never will and I do tend to isolate myself. Even though I keep to myself round here it doesn’t stop nasty people from bitching and gossiping. Writing my blog has helped in many ways but even now aged 40 I’m stuck in a unhappy rut that I’m struggling to get out of. I feel like a failure and I feel ashamed of myself. My worst fear is being trapped here for the rest of my life in this same rut.
It’s hard to pick yourself up and dust yourself off after spending so long in a dark pit. It’s hard trying to explain depression to others when you can’t even figure out what’s going on in your own head. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to explain how bad I can feel and itseems impossible to ever have a normal and happy life. I’m tired of trying to explain how bad worry can feel. I’m tired of people judging mental health issues and making you feel worse because they seem to think you’re making the illness up. I’m tired of people who tell you they know how you’re feeling because they suddenly have a certificate in counselling or they to have felt down and try to tell you to cheer up. Depression isn’t just feeling down, it’s a serious illness that can cause death and heartache. Mental health issues don’t make anyone less lovable or fun to be with with. I still, like many others like to laugh, to smile or enjoy a good book or film. I’m tired of people thinking they know how I feel. I’m tired of this street but most of all I’m tired of my own brain. My brain is my prison and I’m trying desperately to find the key that will set me free. Until I figure out how to do that I’m gonna feel trapped forever.