It’s early hours of the morning and as usual I’m having trouble sleeping. It’s weird because lately I’ve had a mixed set of emotions and feelings. Trouble is with anxiety is that it doesn’t really leave you alone. Yesterday I found myself singing as I did the dishes and then an hour later I found myself fretting and worrying again. It’s crazy because I worry about the most ridiculous things. If I watch a sad or scary film containing murder or death I worry about it happening to a member of my family, especially my daughter. I worry about her being taken and sold. After watching the film Taken I worried about the same thing happening to my daughter. When I watched the films Hostel 1&2 I worried about the same thing happening to my daughter. My cousin has moved to Darwin Australia and it has a lot of crocs so I worry about my cousin being eaten by a croc……or my daughter ! Because a croc is gonna somehow magically appear from Australia just to eat my daughter ! When she leaves the house I worry in case she gets run over or mugged or something else unlikely to happen but I somehow manage to stress over and dwell over anyway. The anthill becomes a huge mole hill which then becomes mount Everest. Getting over this mountain to a stress and anxiety free land seems impossible. Then I worry in case I’m the only one who has these crazy thoughts and if I really am losing my mind or totally nuts. But then I think to myself that I can’t be the only one who has crazy thoughts because I wouldn’t feel compelled to write this blog. It feels like I’m the only one because people are still to afraid to talk about anxiety and depression. Especially their own. Not me, not anymore. I’ve been ill with depression, gad and ptsd for so many years that it’s about time I spoke about it. It’s about time I tried to heal. So like I said, yesterday I found myself singing while dish washing, thinking about dating again and joining slimming world. It was a day where I actually believed I can do it. Another thing about anxiety and depression is that it’s contradictory. You can have such positive thoughts that you really want to believe are achievable but you also believe you can’t do it. You want to try but then you don’t. You want to be happy but then you can’t. What you sometimes want, say and think you can’t always seem to do so then you feel beaten again. Your singing is happy but it’s hiding how shit you feel. The best intentions in your mind never seem to be reached and that makes a person feel shit, ashamed and the vicious anxiety and depression cycle just keeps on spinning. I cannot begin to say how much I want to stop that tiresome wheel from turning, I just don’t know how, yet. Another thing about depression is how it makes you look. Depression in like holding up a cross to a vampire, people hear depression and back off.and I don’t blame them. I can see why folk would be put off by some one who suffers so badly with an illness that is so discriminated against and so misunderstood. That’s why I write this blog. Who wants to date the depressed woman ? Who wants to be friends with someone in a constant state of anxiety and in battle with her own brain. Sounds horrendous. What I want people to see though that those who suffer any form of mental illness wants to be loved and liked. Sometimes it’s hard to know how. I want to laugh. I have a good sense of humour and I also know how to make people laugh. I also know what is wrong and what is right. I also know that I don’t want poor mental health to be who I am. I don’t want it to continue to define me as a person. I want to live not just exist and I think I’m slowly starting to learn how. It’s not easy and I’m still Learning but at the end of the day aren’t we all learning every single day. I can be who I want to to be and not what who depression wants me to be. I can move on and start fresh. I know I write this now full of positive thoughts and tomorrow, just like that I’m on the floor again but at times like this I enjoy believing my own positivity .If thinking positive made us happy just like that then no one would ever feel like shit. You can’t turn on and off your feelings to please others so don’t try. Even at my lowest my determination to keep going is still there. As long as no one takes away my will and desire to carry on then I know I’ll be ok. I’m always going to worry and I’ll probably always have to live with depression but for all these years I’ve never completely been ready to end my life because there’s always something part of me no matter how tiny that keeps fighting. For now it’s enough and I’m learning how to make those feelings stronger.