It’s three in the morning and for the second night in a row I can’t sleep. Your brain takes you to some horrible places when you can’t sleep. The what’s ifs and intrusive thoughts invade your brain with the fury of a zombie army. I just can’t switch off and I’m being tormented by awful memories and anxious thoughts. I’m on the brink of full on panic attack so I thought I’d try and blog it out of my system. It’s funny how your anxiety starts pointing the finger at all the wrong decisions you have made throughout your life, all your mistakes, all your guilt and all your what ifs. All of a sudden you become the worst person in the world because your anxiety seems hell bent on convincing you of this. Suddenly all the good you have done is forgotten and you’ve convinced yourself that your the monster of the century. Thing is with anxiety most of the time you don’t even know where it’s started from. You can be Sat reading or watching a film and boom ! Anxiety city ! For me there never seems to be any let up from my anxiety. I’m like a boiling pan of water, I’m always bubbling. Then every now and then I boil over, like now. I can quite honestly say that at the moment I feel like shit and sleep seems like it’s miles away. The way I feel right now is jittery, agitated like I can’t get comfortable. I lie down then I have to sit up. I sit up and I have to lie down. I take the cover off because I’m to warm but then I cover up again because I feel exposed. My heart keeps beating an extra painful beat. My neck and back constantly ache. I can’t concentrate on any book, magazine or newspaper. I read the same sentence over and over. I can’t follow any tv program or film. I just feel……agitated…….uncomfortable……jittery. It’s an awful feeling. I’m trying to describe it the best way I can because even trying to explain aches my brain and leaves me agitated. A constant high state of uncomfortable agitation. Like when your feet get to warm, it’s really uncomfortable, the anxious ache in my brain is my feet getting to warm……if you know what I mean. I wish I could sleep like my daughter. She has always loved her kip and been a good sleeper, that’s why I sometimes call her rip van winkle, of course she has no idea who that is not does she know the story. She can sleep anywhere and never needs any sleep aids. I envy her. I wish I could go to bed at a decent hour, sleep really well all the way through and then wake up at a decent hour feeling fab. Never gonna happen ! Apparently just one course of sleeping tablets is enough to mess up your sleep pattern for good. Safe to say my sleep pattern is well and truly effed up. Let’s see if I can settle now.