Keep holding on.

Wow! I’ve not written a blog for a while but I really need to tonight. For the past few days I’ve felt so low that I don’t know how I’ve managed to keep holding on. My brain has been hurting so much and my head aches. It feels like there is a belt strapped around my head that’s keeps tightening round my forehead. I wish I could make it go away. My mood is lower since my daughter and I returned from our holiday to Cannes in France. We came home on the 18 th of August. The holiday was a 21st birthday gift for my daughter. We had such an amazing time and I just wanted to stay there forever ! I feel so alone and unhappy here that returning here makes me feel ten times worse for a while but I know I’ll come through it. I just wish I could leave my unhappy baggage at the airport carousel for someone else to pick up and get rid of. For the past few nights I’ve been having really bizarre dreams which isn’t unusual for me but I’ve also been having false awakenings along with these dreams. It’s been a few months since I last experienced false awakenings. False awakenings to me are very stressful and it can happen a few times in one night. False awakening or dreaming whilst dreaming can seem very real. Basically you’re asleep. But while you are sleeping you dream that you have woken up. It seems very real so you really think you’re awake. You get up and start to go about your day until suddenly you realise that something is odd, nothing makes sense. Then you realise you are dreaming. It can happen a few times in a row which is what happens to me. For me I find it scary and distressing because It feels like I’m trapped in a cycle of dreams that don’t end. it’s hard to figure out what is real and what isn’t and you are sort of aware of what’s going on around you. It’s weird and hard to explain but I know that if you yourself have experienced false awakening then you will know just how unsettling it can be. I think these dreams are due to me feeling so down lately. I’m hoping this feeling will soon pass.

Talking about depression can be really hard because like cancer there are different types and causes. No two people will ever feel the exact same way. I still find that talking about depression is a great way of putting people off you. It’s a serious illness but it’s seems like it will be a while yet until that is truly recognized. Cancer kills. So does depression. Why can’t people get that? I’ll still continue to talk about it and I’ll still continue to keep going. I’ll never give up on true happiness.

 

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