Monster

As a child you believe in the monsters that hide under your bed or in your wardrobe. You take a running jump on the bed so the monster that’s hiding under there can’t grab your ankle. You make sure the wardrobe doors are firmly shut to keep the monster inside. You really believe in these scary monsters because that’s what children do. It’s up to the adults in our life to reassure us that these monsters don’t exist. But know one tells you about the real monsters that live inside your head. The ones you can’t escape from. You can’t shut a door to keep them out. You can’t run because they always catch you. The monsters in my head are depression, generalized anxiety disorder and ptsd. The unseen predators stalk my every move and torment me at every chance they can. They have ruined a large part of my life and I am still fighting them. Sometimes it feels as though I am losing. These unseen stalkers hide who I really am and try to stop who I want to be. For so many years people didn’t really see me, they saw my depression, my anxiety and my ptsd. As a result I have lost friends and been unable to hold down relationships and friendships. No one saw me they saw my monsters. My pain and misery wasn’t visible to anyone because the monsters hid it, making me look like someone who is bad, useless and worthless.

I have suffered with depression for many years, ever since I was a child. When I was young children were apparently to young to have depression, it was only adults that faught mental health issues. I was left undiagnosed for years. I spent years being bullied and years being terrified of demons and Armageddon. High school was miserable for me as the bullying I went through was extreme and relentless. I spent so many years being afraid every single day. I used to wonder what it would be like to put a rope around my neck, would it hurt? Would it be a relief ? I felt miserable as a kid especially at high school I often wonder how I made it through. I still feel angry at the bully who made my life hell and its stayed with me for all these years.

Coping with depression, anxiety and ptsd has been a constant battle. I feel as though my brain has declared war against me and I’m constantly on the front line. I can’t stop fighting because it will kill me, I can’t surrender because I’ll sink to far. I feel worthless, useless, unloveable and to damaged. I worry about everything. I worry about losing my family, I worry about things that will probably never happen. I worry about all the bad things I’ve done that others will have forgotten about. I forget all the good I’ve done and beat myself up with guilt and regret. I punish myself with what ifs and dwell on the past, a past I can’t change but I’m stuck there anyway. My anxiety never fully goes away, I’m like a pan of boiling water that’s constantly bubbling and sometimes boils over. My brain constantly aches. Depression and anxiety takes away your sense of security. If you feel secure you feel safe. I worry about losing my home. I worry about losing my family. I lie in bed at night and cry because I think about how all the people I love are eventually going to die and eventually I’m going to die. I feel sad at all the friends I’ve lost ,people my illness has pushed them away. I’m terrified of being alone but I want to be left alone if that makes sense ? I feel anxious about leaving the house alone. I don’t know how to be around people. My moods can be extreme and I know it’s hard for others to cope with. Coping with an unseen illness that’s stalks you day and night can seem impossible to beat. I understand suicidal feelings all to well. I have them often. But I will never leave my daughter.

what ever monster stalks you and no matter how you cope with it don’t ever feel ashamed. If you need medication then take it. If you need to scream do it. Just remember you are strong, you are important and you are worth it. You’re not going mad and you are not weird. I firmly believe that with more patience and understanding future suicides could be prevented. Just because I’m ill it doesn’t mean I don’t laugh, joke have hopes, and ambition and dreams. I have and do all of those but I also have a serious illness that is still heavily stigmatized. It’s time to end it and help each other more. I’ll never give up on happiness.

 

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