the sad part of me

I am someone who suffers from crippling depression.
I am someone who suffers with crippling generalised anxiety disorder.
I am someone who suffers with PTSD.
I am someone who has OCD.
I am someone who counts my fingers with my thumb in sets of four up to the number 16.
Then I do the same on the other hand and I carry on until I’m satisfied ive counted enough times.
I am someone who hates odd numbers and gets distressed if the volume level on the tv is at an odd number.
I am someone who is haunted by intrusive and dark thoughts.
I am someone who obsesses over these thoughts.
I am someone who says the name of every person I know who has died in my head and cannot sleep until I do. If I miss someone out then I have to start all over again.
I am someone with insomnia.
I am someone who has a lot of nightmares.
I am someone who hears terrifying screaming voices in my head when I’m really distressed.
I am someone who cries a lot and I don’t even know why.
I am someone who is grieving even though I haven’t lost anyone.
I am someone who waited to long to get help.
I am someone whose heads hurts every day.
I am someone who isolates myself.
I am someone who is terribly lonely.
I am someone who wants to be left alone.
I am someone who fears ill never be able to fall in love.
I am someone who feels worthless.
I am someone who is afraid of losing everyone I love.
I am someone who was depressed as a child.
I am someone who was a loner as a child.
I am someone who used to wander the playground alone as a child.
I am someone who was bullied in high school.
I am someone who was afraid as a child.
I am someone who felt suicidal at school because of bullies.
I am someone who cried alone in my room as a child.
I am someone who finds friendships hard to maintain.
I am someone who wonders how I’m going to make it through the next hour.
I am someone no one can love.
I am someone who feels to damaged.
I am someone who feared Armageddon and demons as a kid.
I am someone who cried at the thought of dying at Armageddon.
I am someone who feels completely alone.
I am someone who worried about absolutely everything.
I am someone who always worries because I feel as though ive done something wrong.
I am someone who worries about things happening that never will happen, infact I have more chance of being run over by a heard of elephants that some of the things I dream up actually happening.
I am someone with to many what ifs.
I am someone with no sense of security or safety.
I am someone who is a failure.
I am someone who sometimes wishes id never wake up.
I am someone who buys sleepers and diazepams when I go abroad because I know how easy it is.
I am someone who will visit different doctors on the same holidays to get more meds.
I am someone who has over self medicated and put myself in serious danger.
I am someone who relies on sleep aid because when I’m sleeping deeply the pain stops for a while.
I am someone who is addicted to food.
I am someone who has a friend in food.
I am someone who has an enemy in food.
I am someone who pushes people away.
I am someone who is angry.
I am someone who has banged my head against the wall and scratched at my face to make the mental pain go away.
I am someone who is overwhelmed by sadness and guilt.
I am someone who worries that something bad is going to happen.
I am someone who dwells on all the bad things I have done even though others have completely forgotten.
I am someone who thinks about all the negative ive done and forgets all the good.
I am someone who wonders how anyone can like me.
I am someone who doesn’t know how to be around people.
I am someone who has lost friends because I don’t know how to keep them.
I am someone who has no confidence.
I am someone who feels useless.
I am someone who doesn’t know how it feels NOT to be depressed.
I am someone who can not believe that there are people out there that have never suffered from depression.
I am someone who wishes I had never been born.
I am someone who can not make plans.
I am someone who feels life is racing by and I cant keep up.
I am someone who is stuck.
I am someone who wishes the pain would go away because I don’t know how to beat it.
I am someone who feared for my daughters life when she became ill with a serious brain infection aged 11.
I am someone who has had major surgery on my face 3 times because my bottom jaw jutted out and made me an easy target for bullies. The surgery was so painful.
I am someone who cried at the beginning of the school summer holidays because I knew I had to go back six weeks later.
I am someone who was the ugly one.
I am someone who was promiscuous in my younger days because I wanted to be loved.
I am someone who has a terrible phobia of spiders.
I am someone who has panic attacks and can hear a loud shushing noises in my ears during one.
I am someone who can be sat watching tv and all of a sudden an anxiety attack hits me out of the blue.
I am someone who wonders if the pain will ever go away.
I am someone who thinks of suicide.
I am someone who is afraid of my suicidal thoughts.
I am someone who worries about staying strong.
I am someone who hates noise.
I am someone who hates bullies.

But……

I am someone who doesn’t give up.
I am someone who will not be beaten by my own mind.
I am someone who has a lot of good memories.
I am someone who wants to make more happy memories.

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