nightmares and night terrors

Today I watched a program about woman and homelessness. It went into detail about the dangers women face whilst sleeping on the streets and the reasons these woman end up there. A big cause of homelessness is mental health illnesses. It made me think of a dream I often have and it basically involves me losing my home and sense of security. That’s the thing with depression it takes away your sense of security and safety. I know for me losing everything is a big fear because I’m terrible with money and I have an awful habit of avoiding anything that makes me feel anxious. Therefore important letters are left unopened because I’m afraid of what is in them which spirals until you are in a hole that is way to deep for you to handle. And the thing is depression still isn’t seen as a serious illness, instead you are subject to cruel comments and people looking down their noses at you and dishing out spiteful and hurtful comments. I know ill be very careful who I confide in now about my mental health issues because the people who should be closest to you can be the most cruel. Its actually worrying how spiteful and cruel people can be towards those suffering from serious mental health issues and to be quite frank its also dangerous. It makes me more determined to be there for others who are truly suffering. I can understand why so many people end up on the streets, its a great fear of mine as I do struggle with day to day tasks. That does not mean everyone else is better than me and it does not mean I want to be this way or enjoy being this way. Depression is not a choice and I would rather be understanding towards others even if it means suffering myself than a spiteful uncaring person who finds it acceptable to hurt and insult others. I just wish I knew the answers and I wish I could help everyone but you need to take care of yourself first. As I watched the program about homelessness it made me feel really sad. The homeless are some of the most discriminated against and vunerable people out there but yet they are treated with disdain and made to feel like dirt by so many. Do people honestly believe that all these people on the streets are bad? Does having mental health issues mean you just want to feel sorry for yourself? Do people really believe all homeless are scum and deserve to be there? It can happen to anyone at any time. Unless you are born into serious money no one is ever really 100% secure and I can pretty much garuntee that those who are cruel and judgemental would soon be singing a different tune if they found themselves in the same situation. I have awful dreams about losing everything and they always seem so real. I also often have false awakenings which means I’m dreaming that ive woken up but I’m very much asleep, it takes a while before you realise your still dreaming and sometimes these false awakenings can happen multiple times in one dream. I find it really distressing and it makes me feel trapped. I also dream a lot about tornados which can also be terrifying. Then there are the night terrors. Suddenly waking up terrified but not knowing what you are terrified of. I don’t know what scares me most. I feel afraid all the time and I always have.
Another issue for me is my lack of confidence and to be honest I don’t truly think ive ever had any. I doubt myself all the time. People mistake promiscuous behaviour for confidence but they couldn’t be more wrong. If anything that kind of behaviour shows a complete lack of it. Sometimes its not until you get a bit older that you realise you are better than that it just takes a long time to believe it. Just because others seem to have more than you it doesn’t mean they are happy or better than you. If someone has to insult you with spiteful words to make themselves feel better than it goes to show just how unhappy they really must be. some times the grass isn’t always greener so don’t listen to the spite and cruelty of others. Next time you see someone on the street just try to imagine how lonely and soul destroying it must be to have to beg strangers for a few pence or a scrap of food. Being homeless and depressed does not make you a bad person and it does not make you worthless. You are important and you matter. When you see someone sitting in the rain with no shelter just try to imagine how awful it must be to be so desperate. Depression does not make you weak and it is not a choice. It worries me to see so many people on the street due to depression and other mental health issues because so many could be safe with a bit more kindness and understanding. I see how cruel the attitudes of others can be but to be honest people like that just aren’t worth it. Be a good caring person and remember your mental health does not define you. You are important and you matter.

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