recent diagnosis

In September of last year i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I also have depression and generalised anxiety disorder. these conditions are so hard to live with and i have struggled undiagnosed for many years. I have always felt like a failure and completely worthless. As i find friendships, relationships and jobs hard to hold down i felt that it was just me, and that i am completely useless and unlovable. i have believed this for so many years that it is damn hard to get out of this mind set. To be honest, my struggles leave me feeling suicidal everyday. i know it may not make sense to some, but i do not want to die i just want my pain to stop, but i have no idea how to make it stop.
When i look back i truly believe my BPD started developing when i was a teenager. I was miserable and depressed as a teenager, but i remember feeling depressed as young as the age of nine. even then, i was a loner. As i have grown older, my illness has grown with me and to be honest, sometimes i wonder what is the point of going on? I can not begin to explain the pain of depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder, but i shall try to give an idea of how bad i can feel. In fact i pretty much feel this way every day. Firstly, every day my brain aches, not my head, but my brain. It can hurt so badly that i have scratched the skin off my face and banged my head against the wall while curled up in a ball and sobbing my heart out. I do not even know why. Like a deep itch that can’t be scratched, the pain in my brain is an agony i can not stop, and i do not even know why. Sometimes when i feel so bad i feel as though there is a reason that i can not quite put my finger on. I feel so bad, but yet, i do not know why. Mental health issues are so bad that those who are suffering can not themselves even explain why and what is going on inside their own head. I have a serious illness, but yet people do not accept it. I want to die, but then again i don’t. I hate most people, but i am terrified of being alone. I want a life, but leaving my home terrifies me. The comfort of my home is also my prison that keeps me trapped. I have ambitions, hopes and dreams, but sometimes i do not believe i can make it through the next hour so planning a career fills me with a fear that threatens to kill me. People gossip and judge, but i would love more than anything to have an amazing high flying career and feel like i am worth something. Instead i am trapped inside my own tormented mind with a feeling of self loathing. I dread the question “What do you do for a living?” because i have no idea how to answer. I feel ashamed and i do not know what to say. I know i will be judged and shamed and believe me i would give anything to go out and about and have a social life as well as a career. I am terribly lonely, but all people see is their own prejudice and their own sneering opinions. I want to raise awareness for everyone who suffers from mental health issues, i want to end the stigma and educate people from a young age so those who suffer can start to be speak out without judgement or shame. Sadly, i do not believe depression or suicide with ever be a thing of the past, but hopefully one day soon the stigma will be.
There are so many people who can not express themselves or talk about their illness the way others can because they are afraid, but with this blog i intend on being as open and honest as possible in the hope of encouraging others to do the same. I will start with some of my own fears and dark thoughts. People will be surprised by what they read because many others will have had similar thoughts, but have been to afraid to say the out loud.
Sometimes when i am alone, i want to grab my bag, leave my phone and everything else behind and not come back. Sometimes the urge to do this has been so strong that i have had to really restrain myself from leaving.
Sometimes i wonder how it would feel to have a rope around my neck.
Sometimes i wish i had never had a child because then i could take my life without the guilt of leaving behind my daughter. I feel trapped into living for her, but i simply can not leave her and i do not want her to live the rest of her life without me while she grieves for me.
I genuinely believe that no one else would give a shit about me if i did take my life.
Sometimes, when i see the mess around me because i have no motivation to do anything about it i wish i could just burn my house down and move on.
Sometimes i believe i will never be loved by anyone else because i am worthless.
I worry about things that would never happen and i dwell on things from the past that i feel guilty about that everyone else has forgotten.
I simply do not know how to be around people and to be more likable.
I hate people sitting or standing to close to me and public transport pushes me into a full on panic attack.
When waiting for a train i have to make sure i am standing where i think the doors are going to open otherwise i become distressed in case i can not get on or there are too many people close to me if i can not get a seat.
I worry about death, i worry about losing people and how i will cope. I fear that time is going by far to quickly and i can not keep up and it is bring me closer to losing those i love.
Sometimes i fear everyone and everything and simply wish i had not been born.
These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head, i will not go into everything in one posting, but i will say that do not write this blog for attention or sympathy, i am writing it because quite simply, this is how it is for me and many others. I want people to understand how serious depression and mental health issues can be and all any of us want is understanding, that is all.
I also want to point out that i have plenty hopes and dreams and i do know how to laugh, i am still a person, but i am a person with a serious illness who is judged everyday. I want this to stop and i want to see attitudes around mental health to change for the better. I will not be silenced and i will never stop talking about mental health.


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